As they say, all good things must come to an end. Well, this blog has been a very good thing for me and no matter how much I wish for it to live forever, I don't think it would be spared from facing the end. I'm afraid this might be the end. I am not yet sure but it most probably is (Like 80-20). Now, I don't want to be gooey or anything. I just want to say, it was nice meeting you all. Oh wait, I haven't met you yet, haven't I? Scratch that out. It was nice not meeting you all. ;) Seriously though, it has been a pleasant experience to have a lovely connection with you guys. I've enjoyed reading your blogs and to know that you're reading my blog back was the greatest thing for me. I hate to say goodbyes so I almost thought of just abandoning this blog but I think you guys have been so wonderful that you deserve a farewell post at least. So this might be it. My last post. Thanks so much for keeping up with my manic antics. Until we meet again. :)
P.S. You can still reach me through email. I'll make sure to reply as soon as I can.
I woke up way too early today, considering I already slept very late last night. I went to bed wishing that by morning my heart wouldn't be pounding as hard as after I finished watching this movie. Much to my dismay, it still is.
It's not really a horror movie because I didn't scream nor did I do anything gay at any point while watching it. It's weird but I find it really frightening.
You know that kind of fear that makes you sweat beads as big as gum balls. The kind of fear that gets your heart pounding so heavily you feel like throwing up. That feeling right after you wake up from a very bad dream but then you realized that you're still in the same dream. Yeah, I got that kind of fear from this movie. But why? I'm just weird, that's why. Really now, I think it's basically because I see a lot of myself in Kevin...and it scares me.
Like him, I've been torturing my mother all my life. Well, just mostly if I must say. My whole life just seem to be about jeering her to the limits. Why? I don't know. I just do it. I think she sees me as the black sheep of the family because she just can't seem to find a way to fix me. I sometimes think that she must really hate me and just says she loves me for the sake of being a mother to me. She always assume that her motherly love can magically transform everything. Well, except me.
Then, does she begin to think that it's her fault, somehow? Does she ever wish she have never given birth to me in the first place? Am I like Kevin- detached, unemotional, uncaring, psychotic? Does our actions spring from nowhere, or are they somehow prefigured? Are we born evil, or did our mother made us this way?
The mere thought of finding the answers to these questions gets my heart racing. From where? Is it from fear? Or is it from excitement? I used to think I knew, now I'm not so sure.
This movie is like a car-crash: terrible to watch but you look to see how awful it can be. Although most people might see this film as just another "bad seed" story, it's actually a quite damning statement about parenting and those crucial stages when a mother needs to bond with her baby as it develops its social behavior. Kevin may seem like a "a demon child who torments his poor mother from infancy through adolescence", but the film questions her blame, as she never made an effort to bond with her child. She never picked him up; she never rocked him; she strolled him near a construction worker actively drilling the ground just to drown his cries. I'm not sure that I blame the child for growing to resent her. Then, when she does try to connect - too little, too late - she only gets frustrated by his resistance, furthering the degradation of their relationship. Granted, the child may have been wired to be evil but, perhaps, had his mother given him the motherly attention he needed at that critical development stage, he would have turned out less so.- CYNICALCRITIC
I'm quite hesitant to publish this post at first cause I know Beauty is as sensitive of a topic as Religion. I'm afraid that I might touch a certain idea that might cause a hysteria in the world of social media. Lol! Sorry. I just noticed that the words in the previous sentence kinda rhymes. Totally unintentional. I guess, my frustrations of being a rapper comes out randomly in weird and wrong places. Pardon me. :)
Seriously now, I know I already expressed my annoyance on a pile of drafts saved for sluggish blogging days. That's why I always try to write everything real time. This post might be the first exception cos I've been working on it for 3 days now. It's not that I don't want people to know about my take on beauty and vanity, which actually I really do, but I just want time to clarify my ideas by thinking and researching more about it. Just a heads up, this post contains several opinions of mine that might come out as rude or distasteful. So if you feel/think that beauty is a sensitive topic for you then I would have to ask you to skip reading this post. If you're in for a debate or just plain curious, then please do read on.
I am no Samantha Brick, but I am tall, slim, blonde cute and, so I'm often told, a good-looking woman. ;) Who the hell is Samantha Brick, you ask? Well, you can go ahead and google her. I kid. She's just a lady who went viral overnight for saying that other women envies her for being 'too pretty'. A little too full of herself you think, huh? Apparently, a lot of women thought so too. And she have thrown a pretty huge avalanche of trolls her way in this narcissistic write up which was published on daily mail around the first week of April. As for me, I don't really hate her. In fact, I find her point rather interesting.
Let's take a deeper look in her thoughts to know what's all the fuss is about. Here are 4 major points from her article which I think are either arguable or rather reasonable (basically for me).
Beautiful women have greater power over less attractive women
Having the opportunity to work in customer service, I've learned the power that beauty possess over people. I've learned the importance of being aesthetically pleasing especially when your job requires social interaction. Let me tell you a story. My first job was with a retail company and they require us to always look our best not only during office hours but even when we're not at work. At first, I didn't grasp the logic behind this policy. In fact, during my first weeks, I would cry everyday because I don't know how to wear high heels, I don't know how to put make-up on, I don't know how to make small talks with random strangers/customers. Most of all, everyone in the company seemed to be beautiful, charming and so unlike me. I just wanted to quit right away because I basically felt like an odd ball and an ugly duckling there. I'm just glad that I didn't because if I did I would never know that I can become a swan too.
I did my best. I studied, trained, practiced, and learned to be more confident. Later on, I started to notice change not only in myself but in the way people treat me as well. I got more compliments from both the same and opposite sex; I started getting free stuff, I never had to stand in a crowded bus or train again because someone always offers me to take their seat; I can finally talk with anyone (celebrities, foreigners, diplomats, etc.) without stuttering; I became more productive at work; and I never felt so good about myself. And so I have finally become a swan: beautiful and powerful.
The most important thing that I've learned from everything is that, I've always been as beautiful and as capable of doing anything as everyone else. I was not less attractive than them, I was just less confident.
Beauty is power. Beauty is confidence.
Women doesn't like to hang out with women who are more attractive than they are
In her article, SB pointed out that her whole life, not one friend have invited her to be a bridesmaid because they're all insecure about her beauty. She also said that her friends get jealous when she gets close to their bfs/husbands and that ladies doesn't want their pictures taken with her because she always overshadow everyone else's beauty. Bitch puhhleeasse...It's not because they think you're too pretty (perhaps you are and they do think so but), it's mainly because you are being a bitch.
I remember a time when I went with one of my bestfriends to an expo of a huge company. We were just wandering around when a lady approached me and asked if she can get a picture of me. She said that she works for a local fashion magazine and she's looking out for attendees whose style can be featured in their magazine. I was flattered and surprised of course. I immediately asked my friend to be with me in the picture but the lady said that she only wants a solo picture of me, I politely told the lady that I didn't want my picture taken at all if not with my friend. That's because I didn't want to hurt my friend's feelings. My friend then told me that she was cool with it and she began teasing me that I'm prettier than her anyway. I turned down her teasing and immediately assured her that if I have dressed differently then the lady would have asked for both of our pictures. We just laughed that experience off and still hangout together until now.
Regarding her point about her friends getting jealous when she talks to their partners, I sometimes think that some of my friends doesn't want me to meet their partners for the same reason. But every time that happens I immediately shove that thought out of my mind by making the first move and insisting on meeting their partners to get to know them better. I eventually became friends with them as well and we've built a pretty strong and healthy friendship. Perhaps that's all because I always make sure not to do anything that will make them feel threatened of me in anyway. Plus my friends can rest assured seeing that I am not really interested in having a romantic relationship with anyone, especially men, but that's already out of the topic. Let's just talk about that some other time. :)
Women always measure their looks rather than achievements
I think this one is a little true, don't you think?
Beautiful women lives a more difficult life because they are hated for no other reason than their lovely looks
I remember when I was in high school and there was this girl whom I really hated. She didn't do anything mean to me but I just refused to be friends with her for no reason other than the fact that I think she's too perfect. She's beautiful, she's popular, charming and every boy in our school seems to have a crush on her. I am definitely jealous of her. Looking back today, I think I was very mean and stupid. So just recently, I tried to make things up by hanging out with her and surprisingly, we became cool. She's really nice so I am really sorry that I judged her before. She's still lovely and charming as ever but now I can say that I don't hate her anymore. We're good friends now.
You see, even though I get compliments on my aesthetics, I refuse to get the 'I'm so pretty' idea into my head. In fact, I often shoo away the nice comments I receive. This is because I'm aware that I'm not perfect and that I have insecurities too. The biggest one being my nose which is often compared to Fiona's (well sometimes to Shrek's). I also have a gap tooth like Spongebob's, and I have very oily skin, plus I'm manic, and the list can go on for days. But inspite all of these, I still believe that I am beautiful.
Angelina Jolie and Dutchess Kate Middleton. Duh. They're beautiful but they don't shove it in our faces because they have what SB lacks: humility. They have insecurities too, you know.
As I have pointed out in my previous post, beauty can be very subjective. A flaw for one can be an asset for another and vice versa. But as much as we hate to admit, somewhere, somehow, there's always someone who's going to find something wrong with you no matter how 'perfectly beautiful' you are. My point is, it's basically not how you look like that matters most, it's how YOU think and feel like. Confidence is beauty but OVERconfidence is ugly.
Here's a fact, everyone has the tendency to be narcissistic and it is not something that's exclusive for women, it exist in men as well. Basically, we're all always wary of how we look because being beautiful can make us feel good about ourselves, right? We just have to be careful not to cross the thin line between healthy-I-am-confident-and-happy-with-the-way-I-look-narcissism and clinical-I-am-so-pretty-therefore-I-am-greater-than-anyone-else-narcissism cause if you do you're gonna fall down and die in the quick sand of self-love just like Narcissus.
I guess everything boils down to the big mistake SB made with what she wrote: her great disregard for other people's feelings and her lack of humility. She might have forgotten that a lot of people will have access to her article and that it is her responsibility to consider various possible reactions first before publicly expressing her opinions. I know it's hard to avoid trolls and not go around trolling in this virtual world but let's not forget that we're still dealing with real people with real feelings. Perhaps we should learn to appreciate and respect each other's unique beauty instead of pointing out what's odd and wrong about each other. When that time finally comes, we can all live in a beautiful world filled with beautiful people. Now kiss. xx
:)) an ice breaker...and a little teaser of what I'm going to rant about next
P.S. If you were able to read this til the end, thank you. And let me tell you a truth, YOU are very beautiful! Way more than Samantha Brick is. :) With that, I would like to dedicate this song for you.
"You don't know you're beautiful. That's what makes you beautiful" <3
Hello?! Anybody there? I would no longer be surprised if nobody will answer back. That's alright, I've already accepted the fact that I am 'forever alone' girl. Cry. And that's what I get from being on 9gag too much. Seriously now, I know I've been mia for a while and I'm really really sorry for that. And to show that I still care about you (yes You, not Him, silly ;P ) why don't we try to have a little chit-chat to catch things up? Okay? Me first. So, how have you been lately? Ah huh. Sweet. Wow. That's good to hear! I'm so happy for you! :) How about me, you ask? Well, a lot of things have happened since the last post I made here but where do I start? Hmmmn...let's begin with the reason I've been mia, shall we? Perfect.
Well, I've been trying to lie-low lately because I just discovered that my Mom has been spying on our internet lives. Not specifically on mine but apparently she have been on my sister. They had a little talk/argument about being irresponsible regarding sharing our family/personal problems on the internet for the world to know. After that, I got really nervous and paranoid for my own safety. What if I'm next? What if she's been secretly keeping track of all my social media activities too? Does she know about my dirty secrets on the world wide web? Has she found a glitch on my incognito window? I've been really really paranoid lately that's why I've been trying to be careful by staying under the radar. Anyway, I just want to share with you the good news that she haven't found out about this blog yet...I think. If not, then I've got no choice but to acknowledge her presence here. Hi Mom! It's me! Your beloved manic daughter! Lol. Okay, enough with the crap.
I'll try to post more often to make it up to you because even if I don't often say it or it doesn't seem like I do, from the bottom of my heart, I really do...care about you. <3 Naks! You don't believe me? Isn't this post enough proof? Can't you see that just for a chance to be with you I'd gladly risk it all? Hah! I just belted out Kanye West's Thru Tha Wire yo! Take that! Peace.
I know we still have a lot of catching up to do but I guess I'll leave you hanging for now cause I can feel eyes on my back as I type this. I'll try my best to sneak out and get back to you tomorrow and the days after. I promise. :) In the meantime, here's a video I've been currently obsessed with. It's an awesome cover of a song from my hero Kurt Cobain's band Nirvana. It's by Lindsey Pavao and Lee Koch from the hit talent show The Voice. WARNING: Can cause an extreme urge of raping the replay button. Enjoy! ;)
I often get questions on what it is like to be manic(whether hypo or hyper). Well, I can't really explain it. The experience of mania completely varies from each individual so it's quite hard to make a general description of it. But if you insist on having a little glimpse of what it's like to be in that state, I would suggest you watch the movie Limitless.
And today, I feel like I just took one of those clear pills. A sudden thought came to my mind. I finally have an idea of what I want to be: a flight attendant. I've never been this hungry for something for a long time. I can already imagine myself living that life. Me travelling around the world, serving and meeting people, sharing a smile. The thought is so sweet I can almost taste it.
That sounds crazy I know but I've finally grown tired of hearing people (when I say people, that includes me) say: you can't be like this, you can't be like that; You won't do this, you can't do that. Why not? I'm sick of can'ts. I don't want to believe that lie anymore. I can be whatever I want to be and no one has the right to say I can't because I can. I know I can. I can make things happen by giving it all that I have. I'm gonna do it for myself... especially for those who says I can't. And I'm gonna start today, not tomorrow but today :)
I have a problem but I can't tell what it is exactly. All I know is that these past few days I'm awake in the wee hours again. Tonight was no different. I just finally got tired of staring blankly at the ceiling while I lay in bed sleepless. So to spice things up a bit I decided to have a staring contest with a blank blog page while counting the number of blinks the cursor makes before my eyes bleed. Seriously, I'm just thinking maybe if I somehow find the will to write something down I can figure it out. I try to psyche myself out a little. Write something for your sanity's sake my dear. Just anything you feel like writing. Boom! There, I finally got it. That's exactly my problem. I don't know what to write cos I don't know what I feel.
They say that balance is always the key. Well, key to what? To where? A promise land where everything works in perfect harmony? A beautiful place between mania and melancholy? We've been through the ups and downs of life but still we know little about this place.
The Big Bang of mania is over. Now what? A light has entered the black hole. Now what?
Mania and melancholy scares me but nothing more than what's in between does. Though completely aware of this bizarre place-or moment or whatever you may call it- I still find myself inevitably tangled up in it's strangeness and charm. Isn't being in betweensupposed to make me feel better? Apparently not.
What's in between is no paradise. It makes you feel nothing. Like you're an unknown speck of matter just floating inconspicuously around the universe. As if you're enclosed in a glass box where you watch everything move fast and fade into a blur. It makes you tired from doing nothing and yet makes sleep even harder to find when night time comes. It's something that makes you sick but you just can't quit. Well, that's what it feels like to me.
Have I reached the event horizon? I hope not. I can only wish that this is just a tangle of space that I've been caught into and that I can somehow find a way to escape it. If only I can find the will to do so. Someone please infect me with a little zest in life. Anyone? To those who will give a damn, bless your hearts and thanks in advance.
So what have I been up to lately you ask? Not much, I just watch these guys everyday. A small family of kittens that has built a home in the rubbish outside our house. They're so cute! I just want to cuddle each one and start owning them. But I know I can't do that cause my Mom would just ask me to throw them out again immediately after I decide to bring them in. So most of the time, I just watch them from the window while they play and feed from their mother. Sometimes a selfish thought comes to my mind: What if I just shoot their mom dead so that I can take them as mine? But of course that's just a thought. I can't kill her and assume her role as a mother to 4 orphan kittens. Besides I'm thinking the orange cat who's their mom might be my long lost kitten Hayley whom my Mom asked to throw out a few days after I picked her up in a bush near our old house. I'm thinking maybe it's her and she somehow found her way back to me and decided that her kittens will be safe here. I couldn't let her down of course. No, not this time.
About a week ago, I read a disturbing news on yahoo: 'Project X' inspired party leads to death of a teenager. I was like: 'What the heck is 'Project X'? I googled it and instantly got curious. Finally, I was able to watch it this morning and all I can say is...WOW. I know it's pretty silly but it's just undeniably awesome! I think it's indeed the most epic party movie of all time. It's basically every teenager's dream and no doubts every parent's nightmare. It's just oozing with fun and freedom. Darn, it made me miss being a teenager and partying all night big time. No wonder everyone has been trying to imitate this party in real life.
Take a sneak peek of what I'm rambling and raving about here.
Contrary to almost all reviews made for this movie, I would give this a two thumbs up. I think it's not all about bad influences. One just need an open mind to understand its message. Believe me, it is one epic movie. It's epic cause it reminds you that you are capable of everything. "Losers" Thomas, JB and Costa became legends overnight. Like them, you too have the power to change the game. Nothing is impossible. Go crazy. Be wild. Get high. Have fun. To hell with the consequences. Do it while you still can. For it's not forever that you'll have the privilege to blame everything on being young and stupid. :)
It's just one of those nights when sleep just won't seem to like to pay her a visit. She's been tossing and turning in her bed for more than an hour trying to find the perfect position that would help her get into slumber. How long have I been in bed? She asked in her mind and then grabbed her cell to check on the time. It was almost 2am. Shit. She placed it back under her pillow. Oh, why in the world can I not sleep?
Maybe he's thinking of you. A tiny voice in her head whispered.
She couldn't help but smile at the thought of him. Tossing and turning in his own bed not getting any sleep because he's thinking about her too.
Why is he not texting me lately then? That seems odd.
She suddenly heard her cell beep at the sound of a text message. What a coincidence! I just thought of him and then he already sent me a text. She immediately grabbed it and pressed the 'read' button with excitement.
"Hey, are you still awake?" to her dismay, it was not Adam. It was her best friend, Jenny. "Yeah, why? Wassup?" she replied. "Not much. I just want to tell you something." "Alright. Give me a moment and I'll get up and go online so you won't have to text me and get charged. :)" "Okie dokie :)"
"Ok. I'm good. What is it you're gonna tell me?"
"Adam is courting me."
Her jaw immediately dropped to the floor. She felt like she's just been hit with a bucket full of ice. Wait, what?! Maybe this is just some kind of a joke. If it is, then it's not a very nice one, she thought.
"Really? How?"
She couldn't help but pray- please please please let it be a joke.
"Uhmm...because he would always walk me home. And earlier I asked him if he was trying to court me and he said yes."
Dafuq?! She froze. She couldn't feel anything. She felt as if an invisible knife has just been forced into her chest. She felt exactly like Frodo when he was stabbed with a Morgul-blade. The pain is killing her even though there's no real thing that causes it.
She reminded herself, This is what I wanted right? But why? How?
She couldn't answer any of these for her mind is in spiral. She didn't know what to think. She didn't know what to feel.
"You're the first and only one I told about this. I felt like you ought to know first."
She felt like she was in a bad dream. This is just a dream. This is just a dream. Wake up now. Please wake me up now. Somebody please. She screamed but there's no one to answer her plea. And with that she knew that everything was true.
What's wrong with you? What are you thinking? What are you doing with your life? Answer me.
Nothing.
Fuck. All I want to do right now is to kick the hell out of this idiot and yell 'Wake up you dumb ass!'
You're not like this before. What happened to you? Where's that person who fights and doesn't give up? C'mon, I know you're there. Answer me.
She's dead, you stupid.
I'm really, really, really, -another really- pissed off with myself right now. I'm feeling and thinking a lot of different things lately but I just can't bring myself to put them down into words. I honestly want to write and share all of these feelings and thoughts but they're just so many I can't even decide where to begin. So, I just decided not to post anything...until today.
Last Monday, I just passed up on another great job opportunity for some stupid reason (now that I'm somewhat sane I find it extremely stupid) and yesterday I went to a party and then left after 3 minutes and 49 seconds of being there just because I don't know. I just suddenly felt like 'what the hell am I doing here?!'. I mean, what kind of person does these things? Only a lunatic, right?
I'm lost. It's like I don't know what I want. I'm not even sure if I want anything at all.
I feel like I don't know myself anymore. It's like I got into this freak car accident and for some bizarre reason, I survived but I just can't bring myself to get hold of the steering wheel again. No matter what I do I just can't bring myself back to life. And this really frustrates me so much that I want to scream and kick and jump right off a cliff.
I'm really good (in my opinion but you can always argue with that if you want) at giving advice and motivating others but when it comes to my problems, I'm my own worst enemy . To think that 'practice what you preach' is my mantra. Well, it seems like not anymore.
God, I would give everything to get ME back. I am so fed up, ashamed, frustrated and disappointed with this dead person I've become. I don't want to point fingers at anyone cos I know I'm at fault too but come to think of it, all of this is because of you. You know who you are. I hope.
If I would be asked who do I think I was in my past life, I would probably say Harry Houdini. Why Houdini you ask? Here's why: I grew up to be this shy person who stays away from every possibility to be subjected to the public's discriminating eyes;I've quit every job I had because I don't want to suffer and I fear failure; I've let go of opportunities to love or be loved because of my fear for 'pain' and 'suffering' that comes with having a romantic relationship; I don't dwell on the past because it makes me bitter and sorrowful; in short, I've been basically spending my whole life escaping (my issues that is).
Yes, I've been 'through' hell and I don't want to go back and I only got my Houdini skills to thank for because it has helped me a lot in avoiding bad things from happening to me. The catch is, because of my constant escapism I think I've been missing out on the good stuff as well. It's like I'm always lusting for the prize but because I don't want to go through the dirty stuff to get it I just end up in giving up all my hopes of getting the prize.
This would probably be the most liberating and difficult post I've ever written. It's really hard for me to point the finger on myself on this one but I'm just tired of running in loops from my issues. I don't want to end up walled in a corner by my problems one day wherein I don't have any choice but to surrender.
They say the first step to recovery is discovery so I had to accept my issues no matter how hard it is if I want to change and grow to be a better person. I know this journey would not be a piece of cake and I still have a lot to learn and to discover in order to succeed. But as long as I keep going and fighting, I know eventually I would get there. Would you care to join me?
In the meantime, I would like to share with you a quote I found worthy of being etched on a stone in addition to Moses' 10 commandments. I would even have this tattooed (if only my Mom wouldn't disown me if I do so) on my forehead just so I can be reminded every time I look at my silly face in the mirror not to quit/run/escape/give-up on anything.
If you're going through hell, keep going. A pot of gold awaits at the end of the rainbow.— Winston Churchill.
P.S. I just added the pot of gold thing just to make it more exciting. ;)
I found this principle from a manifesto for lasting happiness. View full post and complete manifesto here.
Living with regret is one of my pet peeves but there are always these days when I sit back and look back on my life and I can't help but think 'I could have done this...', 'I should have said this...' blah-blah-blah... and it just always end up with me miserably wishing to go back and redo everything. But what hurts the most is the fact that I couldn't complain that I didn't have my time because I very well know I had mine. I lived my life and I can't say it's the best but it's definitely filled with good times.
I know I can not bring the past back anymore but I think it won't hurt if I at least give it a try. There's no harm in dreaming of being back in one of them good old days, yah? Sweet. After all, dreams are all that's left for free in this world so might as well dream high. Dream BIG. Who knows maybe tomorrow the blue fairy just might give us a visit. Even though that 'might' chance is just 0.01 percent, it's still a chance and every chance is worth putting up a fight. Go fight! :)
Here's a cover of a very inspirational song from my favorite twins. Enjoy!
List all the things you want to achieve in life. It can be anything. No matter how crazy it is just write it down. This is stupid. The ever so pessimistic side of me told myself. Take your time. Don't rush. Let your inner self guide you. Feel it inside. The one that touches your heart and soul the most is your real purpose. The rest would just be goals. Alright. Let's give this a try. I have nothing to lose anyway. I took a pen and paper and started scribbling.
I want to talk.
I want to share.
I want to listen.
I want to touch people's lives.
I want to laugh.
I want to be remembered.
I want to be good.
I want to be great.
I want to love and be loved.
I want to be successful.
I want to be happy.
I want a house.
I want a car.
I want to travel the world.
I want to read.
I want to study.
I want to explore.
I want to swim.
I want to climb a mountain.
I want a family.
I don't know but for some strange reason, I can't hold back my tears at #9.
"What do you really want in your life?"
I replied, "Uh...I don't know."
Bad answer. I can see the look on her face as if saying, "What a poor thing." "You have to know what you want to achieve in your life. Even if you don't know yet, you have to take advantage of every opportunity that comes to you. Curve balls will always be thrown at you along the way and you just can't quit every time this happens..."
Her words hit me like a splash of cold water and the last six are what hit home. "Besides, you're not getting any younger."
They say everyone gets to a point in their life where one questions their purpose. Some call it "the mid-life crisis" and I am no virgin to this. What's my purpose in life? Why do I exist? These are the biggest questions we throw ourselves at one point or another. I've been desperately looking for answers while trying to make sense out of everything that happens in between. But I am so jaded in life, my purpose has long been just to take whatever life throws at me every day and ultimately wait for my death. I didn't have a "purpose". I am contented in living within my bubble filled with mediocracy surrounded by negativity, complaints and dissatisfaction. Well, I was, until now.
I've longed search for happiness but to no avail. I always end up asking (and singing to) myself:
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life's been throwing you? Where are you going to? Do you know?
That's so corny. I know. Sorry. I'll stop now.
My answer to those questions have always been no. Why? It's just today that it dawn on me the very reason why. I just realized that the things I thought I want are not really what I wanted and it's mainly because I've been gauging my happiness based on other people's standards. I've been living out other people's purpose instead of mine.
I want to stop living aimlessly without a purpose. I want to step out of the shadows. I want to change. I want to exist. I want to live.
I'll be turning 24 this year and as much as I hate to admit it, yes, I am not getting any younger. And so are you. It's time to make our move.
*The conversation above is what transpired yesterday between me and my manager when I gave my resignation letter.
Everyone has an Angel. A Guardian who watches over us. We can't know what form they'll take One day, Old man, Next day, Little girl. But don't let appearances fool you, They can be as fierce as any dragon. Yet they're not here to fight our battles. But to whisper from our hearts. Reminding that it's us. Its everyone of us who holds power over the world we create.
The mystery of whose story it will be, of who draws the curtain. Who is it that chooses our steps in a dance? Who drives us mad, flashes us with whips, crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it that tells all these things?
Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It's YOU.
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
I will pass my resignation letter tomorrow (though I haven't made it yet-fail). It's final. For my next step, I'm actually thinking of two things: first, I'll apply for a similar job in a different company and work there for about a year to save money and then take a course in culinary which can give me better job opportunities. Second option is to swallow my pride (which is pretty humongous, I'm telling you) and reapply on my first job and build a long-term career there in sales. I have the weekend to think hard about this and I'm planning to have a quick trip somewhere with my old neglected friends which I am hoping will enlighten my mind and lead me into making the right decision. I want to get my life straight because I realized that time flies so much faster than I thought and I'm not getting any younger, you know. So let's keep our fingers crossed, yah?
All the quotes are from the movie Suckerpunch, which I just watched this morning. I didn't watch this on the big screen because people told me that it sucks (Suckerpunch sucks--how ironic) but for me it wasn't that bad. Though the plot runs quite slow and it looks like a lame female version of Shutter Island, I kinda like it. Sort of. Well, I basically like the message of the movie which was for me is about taking control of your life. Or something like that.
The song is my favorite from Brian Jonestown Massacre. It just gives off this bad-ass western vibe (hence the photos of bad-ass girls in the desert) that grips my soul. Whenever I listen to this I feel like I'm strong enough to stand up and fight all the things that will try to take me down (like, "hell yeah, bring it on!"). It transports me to a different world. A world where I can do anything. Is that weird? I dunno but there are certain songs that appeals so much to my psyche. Do you get that feeling with a certain song too? Please share them with me. I'll be glad to know that I'm not (insane and) alone. ;)
I just realized that I've been putting up too much negativity in this blog. Most (if not all) of my posts were about my mid-life crisis angst and random rants about my so-called-life which most people would not even give a damn for. I feel like I owe something to the few people who waste their precious time to read/check my blog and to the poor souls that get lost here by randomly googling stuff like "effy-stonem-you're-making-me-mad-quotes".
So to show my appreciation for YOU GUYS and to prove that I'm not all about being miserable and depressed, I'm going to commit myself to add more substance and life to this blog in the coming days. No, maybe not in the coming days. Why not start today by sharing something lively and happy-just for a change?
Alright here we go. Here's three things that made me very happy for the past weeks:
1. I won a blog giveaway! Yeay! I was one of three winners of 3 pairs of tights and 30USD credit in ROMWE. How cool is that? Really cool! And guess who hosted the blog giveaway where I won? It's from The Boy Dressed for Many Occasions, none other than my ultimate guy crush in lookbook-Bobby Raffin! I wasn't really expecting to win anything I just drop a comment and added my email-add just in case. Haha! I really can't believe I won! And Bobby even informed me personally thru a reply in my comment in LB. How cool is that? SUPER COOL! I was jumping all around when I found out. Just the thought of how lucky I got still brings a smile on my face- and that is worth so much more than the prize! :)
2. I'm going to be part of a secret project!
It's still a secret so I can't tell you what it is. Sorry, but don't worry I'll share it for sure once it's done. Pinky swear? What I can tell you is it's something new, fun and exciting! :)
Seriously, I still can't believe this one. Though I had doubts at first if it's just a spam or what, I somewhat got convinced to fool myself into believing it's somewhat true because they replied to my email and gave me permission to use photos from their site. Okay. I don't want to give myself false expectations so I'll just dwell on the thought of waking up one morning and be surprised by a package-it's like receiving gifts from Santa! I'll keep you posted once this dream comes true. :)
So that's it for my first attempt for a better blog. Do you have tips, suggestions or any violent reactions for me? Feel free to let me know. Don't worry cos I'm pretty open-minded, well sometimes. :P
I'll leave you with the music video of my current pick-me-up/shower song.
*top secret* I actually dance like Jessie does in her black and white graffiti overalls whenever this song plays.
Gawd. I can't stop listening (and watching the MV) to this song since yesterday. I first heard of Lana del Rey's Video Games in December I think, and I immediately liked her but when I found this song my liking for her has immediately turned into an obsession. The lyrics and the melody are beyond perfection! And don't even get me started with the video. I think I'll just stop watching this when it reach 15million views (that's just barely 250k more views!) Haha!
On a totally different note, here's an update about me. I've been absent from work for 2 days now. I'm actually a little sick (physically) but that's not the real reason for my absence because I can actually go to work even if I'm sick IF I really want to. The problem is I just don't have the motivation to go to work anymore. I'm actually really torn between leaving and enduring all the crap for a little bit longer. The work itself is pretty easy but what I'm really having problems with is the management. It's just so frustrating (at least for me) to work for people who (I feel and observe) doesn't really care about their employees. People who ask for things yet doesn't know how to give back. People who says one thing and does the other. People without integrity.
I already had 2 major breakdowns on the production floor and I don't think I am willing to risk staying for a third one. The reasons for my meltdowns are just actually petty things. One is because I am just really hard on myself and I easily get frustrated when I can't do something properly when I very well know I can do so much better. You can say that I'm a perfectionist. I hate falling below people's expectations most especially mine's.
The other issue that I'm having is this feeling that I am being taken advantage of. I get really upset when I know that I am doing the best that I can but I don't get rewarded accordingly. But who doesn't, right? I'm not really asking for something grand but at least something that I deserve and will well compensate the efforts that I give in the company. I really believe in the principle of give and take and karma, so I really turn into a bitch if things get out of line with these principles.
I really want to quit already but I don't know where to go next once I do. I'm still confused. I know that I'm the only one who can tell what's the right thing to do but I know there's no turning back once I decide. I don't want to regret anything and keep making the wrong decisions.What do you think? Should I compromise or should I quit?
Thai actress Baifern Pimchanok from the movie Crazy Little Thing Called Love
and my ultimate girl crush...Angelababy!!!
I've been so stressed these past months that it seems like all hell has decided to break out of my face. I feel like I'm a walking zit-shit-stick It rhymes, yah? I don't know where the hell I got that. It just sprung out of nowhere like the tiny pork in a can of pork and beans. Get it? Nah? All right. Never mind. All right back to the topic. I don't want to start thinking that I look ugly or anything now. I've always thought that it's nice to have imperfections because it makes one unique from everyone else. Your flaws might be an asset for another person. But as old people say, for every rule there's always and ALWAYS an exception. That exception for me is having major breakouts. One or two minor breakout is just fine or even three is still okay. People will just tease you that you're just thinking too much of your crush/boyfriend/fling and that's kind of cute. But when you start to feel like people are looking at your zits- instead of into your eyes- and they seem to be forming constellations out of them in their minds whenever you are talking to them that's when you know you are having major breakouts and that's not cute at all. I'm not really all about beauty and vanity but...but...but why can't I seem to think of any words to put here? Alright, alright, I'll admit it. I am vain (cries pathetically in the corner).
And in desperate times like this when I know that it's already beyond my control, there's only one thing that seem to keep me distracted and discouraged from rushing all hell out of my face by putting every crap I can think of and lay my hands on in it- and that's staring at beautiful faces. The girls above are some of my all-time girl crushes. Am I weird or what? I know I'm weird so you don't have to answer that. ;)
I would also want to share a very inspiring and funny video but I can't remember the keywords to look it up in youtube. Oh well, maybe next time. Have a good one everyone! :)
WALKING ON ICE. I've been so stressed and frustrated at work this week that I am starting to think of actually quitting the job. As I have said before, I am really not a quitter but I am a runner. I am very fond of running away whenever I am faced with adversities. My mind is telling me to quit but I don't know where else would I go if I decide to do so. I don't want to keep on making wrong decisions in my life and most especially I don't want to go back to that black hole shit that is D anymore.
WALKING ON SUNSHINE. After crying my heart out the other day, I decided to stand up and just continue with my life no matter how shitty it may be. I tried to psyche myself out by thinking that rain doesn't come everyday. So, I went to work yesterday with a smile painted on my face and kept my fingers crossed in hope for even just a little bit of sunshine. Funny enough, everything went well! I'm pretty sure it got everything to do with my mania because I haven't slept for 2 days now and I don't feel tired or sleepy at all. I even feel like I can do anything! Haha! I am scared but I am happy. Who cares if I'm just being manic? Do you? You don't, I know. This too shall pass so I might as well enjoy it while it last, right?
