As they say, all good things must come to an end. Well, this blog has been a very good thing for me and no matter how much I wish for it to live forever, I don't think it would be spared from facing the end. I'm afraid this might be the end. I am not yet sure but it most probably is (Like 80-20). Now, I don't want to be gooey or anything. I just want to say, it was nice meeting you all. Oh wait, I haven't met you yet, haven't I? Scratch that out. It was nice not meeting you all. ;) Seriously though, it has been a pleasant experience to have a lovely connection with you guys. I've enjoyed reading your blogs and to know that you're reading my blog back was the greatest thing for me. I hate to say goodbyes so I almost thought of just abandoning this blog but I think you guys have been so wonderful that you deserve a farewell post at least. So this might be it. My last post. Thanks so much for keeping up with my manic antics. Until we meet again. :)
P.S. You can still reach me through email. I'll make sure to reply as soon as I can.
I woke up way too early today, considering I already slept very late last night. I went to bed wishing that by morning my heart wouldn't be pounding as hard as after I finished watching this movie. Much to my dismay, it still is.
It's not really a horror movie because I didn't scream nor did I do anything gay at any point while watching it. It's weird but I find it really frightening.
You know that kind of fear that makes you sweat beads as big as gum balls. The kind of fear that gets your heart pounding so heavily you feel like throwing up. That feeling right after you wake up from a very bad dream but then you realized that you're still in the same dream. Yeah, I got that kind of fear from this movie. But why? I'm just weird, that's why. Really now, I think it's basically because I see a lot of myself in Kevin...and it scares me.
Like him, I've been torturing my mother all my life. Well, just mostly if I must say. My whole life just seem to be about jeering her to the limits. Why? I don't know. I just do it. I think she sees me as the black sheep of the family because she just can't seem to find a way to fix me. I sometimes think that she must really hate me and just says she loves me for the sake of being a mother to me. She always assume that her motherly love can magically transform everything. Well, except me.
Then, does she begin to think that it's her fault, somehow? Does she ever wish she have never given birth to me in the first place? Am I like Kevin- detached, unemotional, uncaring, psychotic? Does our actions spring from nowhere, or are they somehow prefigured? Are we born evil, or did our mother made us this way?
The mere thought of finding the answers to these questions gets my heart racing. From where? Is it from fear? Or is it from excitement? I used to think I knew, now I'm not so sure.
This movie is like a car-crash: terrible to watch but you look to see how awful it can be. Although most people might see this film as just another "bad seed" story, it's actually a quite damning statement about parenting and those crucial stages when a mother needs to bond with her baby as it develops its social behavior. Kevin may seem like a "a demon child who torments his poor mother from infancy through adolescence", but the film questions her blame, as she never made an effort to bond with her child. She never picked him up; she never rocked him; she strolled him near a construction worker actively drilling the ground just to drown his cries. I'm not sure that I blame the child for growing to resent her. Then, when she does try to connect - too little, too late - she only gets frustrated by his resistance, furthering the degradation of their relationship. Granted, the child may have been wired to be evil but, perhaps, had his mother given him the motherly attention he needed at that critical development stage, he would have turned out less so.- CYNICALCRITIC
I'm quite hesitant to publish this post at first cause I know Beauty is as sensitive of a topic as Religion. I'm afraid that I might touch a certain idea that might cause a hysteria in the world of social media. Lol! Sorry. I just noticed that the words in the previous sentence kinda rhymes. Totally unintentional. I guess, my frustrations of being a rapper comes out randomly in weird and wrong places. Pardon me. :)
Seriously now, I know I already expressed my annoyance on a pile of drafts saved for sluggish blogging days. That's why I always try to write everything real time. This post might be the first exception cos I've been working on it for 3 days now. It's not that I don't want people to know about my take on beauty and vanity, which actually I really do, but I just want time to clarify my ideas by thinking and researching more about it. Just a heads up, this post contains several opinions of mine that might come out as rude or distasteful. So if you feel/think that beauty is a sensitive topic for you then I would have to ask you to skip reading this post. If you're in for a debate or just plain curious, then please do read on.
I am no Samantha Brick, but I am tall, slim, blonde cute and, so I'm often told, a good-looking woman. ;) Who the hell is Samantha Brick, you ask? Well, you can go ahead and google her. I kid. She's just a lady who went viral overnight for saying that other women envies her for being 'too pretty'. A little too full of herself you think, huh? Apparently, a lot of women thought so too. And she have thrown a pretty huge avalanche of trolls her way in this narcissistic write up which was published on daily mail around the first week of April. As for me, I don't really hate her. In fact, I find her point rather interesting.
Let's take a deeper look in her thoughts to know what's all the fuss is about. Here are 4 major points from her article which I think are either arguable or rather reasonable (basically for me).
Beautiful women have greater power over less attractive women
Having the opportunity to work in customer service, I've learned the power that beauty possess over people. I've learned the importance of being aesthetically pleasing especially when your job requires social interaction. Let me tell you a story. My first job was with a retail company and they require us to always look our best not only during office hours but even when we're not at work. At first, I didn't grasp the logic behind this policy. In fact, during my first weeks, I would cry everyday because I don't know how to wear high heels, I don't know how to put make-up on, I don't know how to make small talks with random strangers/customers. Most of all, everyone in the company seemed to be beautiful, charming and so unlike me. I just wanted to quit right away because I basically felt like an odd ball and an ugly duckling there. I'm just glad that I didn't because if I did I would never know that I can become a swan too.
I did my best. I studied, trained, practiced, and learned to be more confident. Later on, I started to notice change not only in myself but in the way people treat me as well. I got more compliments from both the same and opposite sex; I started getting free stuff, I never had to stand in a crowded bus or train again because someone always offers me to take their seat; I can finally talk with anyone (celebrities, foreigners, diplomats, etc.) without stuttering; I became more productive at work; and I never felt so good about myself. And so I have finally become a swan: beautiful and powerful.
The most important thing that I've learned from everything is that, I've always been as beautiful and as capable of doing anything as everyone else. I was not less attractive than them, I was just less confident.
Beauty is power. Beauty is confidence.
Women doesn't like to hang out with women who are more attractive than they are
In her article, SB pointed out that her whole life, not one friend have invited her to be a bridesmaid because they're all insecure about her beauty. She also said that her friends get jealous when she gets close to their bfs/husbands and that ladies doesn't want their pictures taken with her because she always overshadow everyone else's beauty. Bitch puhhleeasse...It's not because they think you're too pretty (perhaps you are and they do think so but), it's mainly because you are being a bitch.
I remember a time when I went with one of my bestfriends to an expo of a huge company. We were just wandering around when a lady approached me and asked if she can get a picture of me. She said that she works for a local fashion magazine and she's looking out for attendees whose style can be featured in their magazine. I was flattered and surprised of course. I immediately asked my friend to be with me in the picture but the lady said that she only wants a solo picture of me, I politely told the lady that I didn't want my picture taken at all if not with my friend. That's because I didn't want to hurt my friend's feelings. My friend then told me that she was cool with it and she began teasing me that I'm prettier than her anyway. I turned down her teasing and immediately assured her that if I have dressed differently then the lady would have asked for both of our pictures. We just laughed that experience off and still hangout together until now.
Regarding her point about her friends getting jealous when she talks to their partners, I sometimes think that some of my friends doesn't want me to meet their partners for the same reason. But every time that happens I immediately shove that thought out of my mind by making the first move and insisting on meeting their partners to get to know them better. I eventually became friends with them as well and we've built a pretty strong and healthy friendship. Perhaps that's all because I always make sure not to do anything that will make them feel threatened of me in anyway. Plus my friends can rest assured seeing that I am not really interested in having a romantic relationship with anyone, especially men, but that's already out of the topic. Let's just talk about that some other time. :)
Women always measure their looks rather than achievements
I think this one is a little true, don't you think?
Beautiful women lives a more difficult life because they are hated for no other reason than their lovely looks
I remember when I was in high school and there was this girl whom I really hated. She didn't do anything mean to me but I just refused to be friends with her for no reason other than the fact that I think she's too perfect. She's beautiful, she's popular, charming and every boy in our school seems to have a crush on her. I am definitely jealous of her. Looking back today, I think I was very mean and stupid. So just recently, I tried to make things up by hanging out with her and surprisingly, we became cool. She's really nice so I am really sorry that I judged her before. She's still lovely and charming as ever but now I can say that I don't hate her anymore. We're good friends now.
You see, even though I get compliments on my aesthetics, I refuse to get the 'I'm so pretty' idea into my head. In fact, I often shoo away the nice comments I receive. This is because I'm aware that I'm not perfect and that I have insecurities too. The biggest one being my nose which is often compared to Fiona's (well sometimes to Shrek's). I also have a gap tooth like Spongebob's, and I have very oily skin, plus I'm manic, and the list can go on for days. But inspite all of these, I still believe that I am beautiful.
Angelina Jolie and Dutchess Kate Middleton. Duh. They're beautiful but they don't shove it in our faces because they have what SB lacks: humility. They have insecurities too, you know.
As I have pointed out in my previous post, beauty can be very subjective. A flaw for one can be an asset for another and vice versa. But as much as we hate to admit, somewhere, somehow, there's always someone who's going to find something wrong with you no matter how 'perfectly beautiful' you are. My point is, it's basically not how you look like that matters most, it's how YOU think and feel like. Confidence is beauty but OVERconfidence is ugly.
Here's a fact, everyone has the tendency to be narcissistic and it is not something that's exclusive for women, it exist in men as well. Basically, we're all always wary of how we look because being beautiful can make us feel good about ourselves, right? We just have to be careful not to cross the thin line between healthy-I-am-confident-and-happy-with-the-way-I-look-narcissism and clinical-I-am-so-pretty-therefore-I-am-greater-than-anyone-else-narcissism cause if you do you're gonna fall down and die in the quick sand of self-love just like Narcissus.
I guess everything boils down to the big mistake SB made with what she wrote: her great disregard for other people's feelings and her lack of humility. She might have forgotten that a lot of people will have access to her article and that it is her responsibility to consider various possible reactions first before publicly expressing her opinions. I know it's hard to avoid trolls and not go around trolling in this virtual world but let's not forget that we're still dealing with real people with real feelings. Perhaps we should learn to appreciate and respect each other's unique beauty instead of pointing out what's odd and wrong about each other. When that time finally comes, we can all live in a beautiful world filled with beautiful people. Now kiss. xx
:)) an ice breaker...and a little teaser of what I'm going to rant about next
P.S. If you were able to read this til the end, thank you. And let me tell you a truth, YOU are very beautiful! Way more than Samantha Brick is. :) With that, I would like to dedicate this song for you.
"You don't know you're beautiful. That's what makes you beautiful" <3
Hello?! Anybody there? I would no longer be surprised if nobody will answer back. That's alright, I've already accepted the fact that I am 'forever alone' girl. Cry. And that's what I get from being on 9gag too much. Seriously now, I know I've been mia for a while and I'm really really sorry for that. And to show that I still care about you (yes You, not Him, silly ;P ) why don't we try to have a little chit-chat to catch things up? Okay? Me first. So, how have you been lately? Ah huh. Sweet. Wow. That's good to hear! I'm so happy for you! :) How about me, you ask? Well, a lot of things have happened since the last post I made here but where do I start? Hmmmn...let's begin with the reason I've been mia, shall we? Perfect.
Well, I've been trying to lie-low lately because I just discovered that my Mom has been spying on our internet lives. Not specifically on mine but apparently she have been on my sister. They had a little talk/argument about being irresponsible regarding sharing our family/personal problems on the internet for the world to know. After that, I got really nervous and paranoid for my own safety. What if I'm next? What if she's been secretly keeping track of all my social media activities too? Does she know about my dirty secrets on the world wide web? Has she found a glitch on my incognito window? I've been really really paranoid lately that's why I've been trying to be careful by staying under the radar. Anyway, I just want to share with you the good news that she haven't found out about this blog yet...I think. If not, then I've got no choice but to acknowledge her presence here. Hi Mom! It's me! Your beloved manic daughter! Lol. Okay, enough with the crap.
I'll try to post more often to make it up to you because even if I don't often say it or it doesn't seem like I do, from the bottom of my heart, I really do...care about you. <3 Naks! You don't believe me? Isn't this post enough proof? Can't you see that just for a chance to be with you I'd gladly risk it all? Hah! I just belted out Kanye West's Thru Tha Wire yo! Take that! Peace.
I know we still have a lot of catching up to do but I guess I'll leave you hanging for now cause I can feel eyes on my back as I type this. I'll try my best to sneak out and get back to you tomorrow and the days after. I promise. :) In the meantime, here's a video I've been currently obsessed with. It's an awesome cover of a song from my hero Kurt Cobain's band Nirvana. It's by Lindsey Pavao and Lee Koch from the hit talent show The Voice. WARNING: Can cause an extreme urge of raping the replay button. Enjoy! ;)
I often get questions on what it is like to be manic(whether hypo or hyper). Well, I can't really explain it. The experience of mania completely varies from each individual so it's quite hard to make a general description of it. But if you insist on having a little glimpse of what it's like to be in that state, I would suggest you watch the movie Limitless.
And today, I feel like I just took one of those clear pills. A sudden thought came to my mind. I finally have an idea of what I want to be: a flight attendant. I've never been this hungry for something for a long time. I can already imagine myself living that life. Me travelling around the world, serving and meeting people, sharing a smile. The thought is so sweet I can almost taste it.
That sounds crazy I know but I've finally grown tired of hearing people (when I say people, that includes me) say: you can't be like this, you can't be like that; You won't do this, you can't do that. Why not? I'm sick of can'ts. I don't want to believe that lie anymore. I can be whatever I want to be and no one has the right to say I can't because I can. I know I can. I can make things happen by giving it all that I have. I'm gonna do it for myself... especially for those who says I can't. And I'm gonna start today, not tomorrow but today :)
I have a problem but I can't tell what it is exactly. All I know is that these past few days I'm awake in the wee hours again. Tonight was no different. I just finally got tired of staring blankly at the ceiling while I lay in bed sleepless. So to spice things up a bit I decided to have a staring contest with a blank blog page while counting the number of blinks the cursor makes before my eyes bleed. Seriously, I'm just thinking maybe if I somehow find the will to write something down I can figure it out. I try to psyche myself out a little. Write something for your sanity's sake my dear. Just anything you feel like writing. Boom! There, I finally got it. That's exactly my problem. I don't know what to write cos I don't know what I feel.
They say that balance is always the key. Well, key to what? To where? A promise land where everything works in perfect harmony? A beautiful place between mania and melancholy? We've been through the ups and downs of life but still we know little about this place.
The Big Bang of mania is over. Now what? A light has entered the black hole. Now what?
Mania and melancholy scares me but nothing more than what's in between does. Though completely aware of this bizarre place-or moment or whatever you may call it- I still find myself inevitably tangled up in it's strangeness and charm. Isn't being in betweensupposed to make me feel better? Apparently not.
What's in between is no paradise. It makes you feel nothing. Like you're an unknown speck of matter just floating inconspicuously around the universe. As if you're enclosed in a glass box where you watch everything move fast and fade into a blur. It makes you tired from doing nothing and yet makes sleep even harder to find when night time comes. It's something that makes you sick but you just can't quit. Well, that's what it feels like to me.
Have I reached the event horizon? I hope not. I can only wish that this is just a tangle of space that I've been caught into and that I can somehow find a way to escape it. If only I can find the will to do so. Someone please infect me with a little zest in life. Anyone? To those who will give a damn, bless your hearts and thanks in advance.
So what have I been up to lately you ask? Not much, I just watch these guys everyday. A small family of kittens that has built a home in the rubbish outside our house. They're so cute! I just want to cuddle each one and start owning them. But I know I can't do that cause my Mom would just ask me to throw them out again immediately after I decide to bring them in. So most of the time, I just watch them from the window while they play and feed from their mother. Sometimes a selfish thought comes to my mind: What if I just shoot their mom dead so that I can take them as mine? But of course that's just a thought. I can't kill her and assume her role as a mother to 4 orphan kittens. Besides I'm thinking the orange cat who's their mom might be my long lost kitten Hayley whom my Mom asked to throw out a few days after I picked her up in a bush near our old house. I'm thinking maybe it's her and she somehow found her way back to me and decided that her kittens will be safe here. I couldn't let her down of course. No, not this time.
About a week ago, I read a disturbing news on yahoo: 'Project X' inspired party leads to death of a teenager. I was like: 'What the heck is 'Project X'? I googled it and instantly got curious. Finally, I was able to watch it this morning and all I can say is...WOW. I know it's pretty silly but it's just undeniably awesome! I think it's indeed the most epic party movie of all time. It's basically every teenager's dream and no doubts every parent's nightmare. It's just oozing with fun and freedom. Darn, it made me miss being a teenager and partying all night big time. No wonder everyone has been trying to imitate this party in real life.
Take a sneak peek of what I'm rambling and raving about here.
Contrary to almost all reviews made for this movie, I would give this a two thumbs up. I think it's not all about bad influences. One just need an open mind to understand its message. Believe me, it is one epic movie. It's epic cause it reminds you that you are capable of everything. "Losers" Thomas, JB and Costa became legends overnight. Like them, you too have the power to change the game. Nothing is impossible. Go crazy. Be wild. Get high. Have fun. To hell with the consequences. Do it while you still can. For it's not forever that you'll have the privilege to blame everything on being young and stupid. :)
It's just one of those nights when sleep just won't seem to like to pay her a visit. She's been tossing and turning in her bed for more than an hour trying to find the perfect position that would help her get into slumber. How long have I been in bed? She asked in her mind and then grabbed her cell to check on the time. It was almost 2am. Shit. She placed it back under her pillow. Oh, why in the world can I not sleep?
Maybe he's thinking of you. A tiny voice in her head whispered.
She couldn't help but smile at the thought of him. Tossing and turning in his own bed not getting any sleep because he's thinking about her too.
Why is he not texting me lately then? That seems odd.
She suddenly heard her cell beep at the sound of a text message. What a coincidence! I just thought of him and then he already sent me a text. She immediately grabbed it and pressed the 'read' button with excitement.
"Hey, are you still awake?" to her dismay, it was not Adam. It was her best friend, Jenny. "Yeah, why? Wassup?" she replied. "Not much. I just want to tell you something." "Alright. Give me a moment and I'll get up and go online so you won't have to text me and get charged. :)" "Okie dokie :)"
"Ok. I'm good. What is it you're gonna tell me?"
"Adam is courting me."
Her jaw immediately dropped to the floor. She felt like she's just been hit with a bucket full of ice. Wait, what?! Maybe this is just some kind of a joke. If it is, then it's not a very nice one, she thought.
"Really? How?"
She couldn't help but pray- please please please let it be a joke.
"Uhmm...because he would always walk me home. And earlier I asked him if he was trying to court me and he said yes."
Dafuq?! She froze. She couldn't feel anything. She felt as if an invisible knife has just been forced into her chest. She felt exactly like Frodo when he was stabbed with a Morgul-blade. The pain is killing her even though there's no real thing that causes it.
She reminded herself, This is what I wanted right? But why? How?
She couldn't answer any of these for her mind is in spiral. She didn't know what to think. She didn't know what to feel.
"You're the first and only one I told about this. I felt like you ought to know first."
She felt like she was in a bad dream. This is just a dream. This is just a dream. Wake up now. Please wake me up now. Somebody please. She screamed but there's no one to answer her plea. And with that she knew that everything was true.
What's wrong with you? What are you thinking? What are you doing with your life? Answer me.
Nothing.
Fuck. All I want to do right now is to kick the hell out of this idiot and yell 'Wake up you dumb ass!'
You're not like this before. What happened to you? Where's that person who fights and doesn't give up? C'mon, I know you're there. Answer me.
She's dead, you stupid.
I'm really, really, really, -another really- pissed off with myself right now. I'm feeling and thinking a lot of different things lately but I just can't bring myself to put them down into words. I honestly want to write and share all of these feelings and thoughts but they're just so many I can't even decide where to begin. So, I just decided not to post anything...until today.
Last Monday, I just passed up on another great job opportunity for some stupid reason (now that I'm somewhat sane I find it extremely stupid) and yesterday I went to a party and then left after 3 minutes and 49 seconds of being there just because I don't know. I just suddenly felt like 'what the hell am I doing here?!'. I mean, what kind of person does these things? Only a lunatic, right?
I'm lost. It's like I don't know what I want. I'm not even sure if I want anything at all.
I feel like I don't know myself anymore. It's like I got into this freak car accident and for some bizarre reason, I survived but I just can't bring myself to get hold of the steering wheel again. No matter what I do I just can't bring myself back to life. And this really frustrates me so much that I want to scream and kick and jump right off a cliff.
I'm really good (in my opinion but you can always argue with that if you want) at giving advice and motivating others but when it comes to my problems, I'm my own worst enemy . To think that 'practice what you preach' is my mantra. Well, it seems like not anymore.
God, I would give everything to get ME back. I am so fed up, ashamed, frustrated and disappointed with this dead person I've become. I don't want to point fingers at anyone cos I know I'm at fault too but come to think of it, all of this is because of you. You know who you are. I hope.
