So what have I been up to lately you ask? Not much, I just watch these guys everyday. A small family of kittens that has built a home in the rubbish outside our house. They're so cute! I just want to cuddle each one and start owning them. But I know I can't do that cause my Mom would just ask me to throw them out again immediately after I decide to bring them in. So most of the time, I just watch them from the window while they play and feed from their mother. Sometimes a selfish thought comes to my mind: What if I just shoot their mom dead so that I can take them as mine? But of course that's just a thought. I can't kill her and assume her role as a mother to 4 orphan kittens. Besides I'm thinking the orange cat who's their mom might be my long lost kitten Hayley whom my Mom asked to throw out a few days after I picked her up in a bush near our old house. I'm thinking maybe it's her and she somehow found her way back to me and decided that her kittens will be safe here. I couldn't let her down of course. No, not this time.
I adore Skins so much! If you haven't seen an episode of Skins yet; I am telling you, you are missing out on half of your life. Each character in the series is quite unique but Kaya Scodelario's character, Effy Stonem, is whom I like the most. It's because I see so much of myself on her (a less "wild" version, if I might say).
Effy: "I went crazy when I was with you! I can’t let that happen again, love’s not supposed to do that, you made me go mad!"
Freddie: "You’re making me mad now, Effy… And that’s exactly what love's supposed to do!"
Does love really make people go mad? I'm mad. Does that mean I'm in love? (yuck)
Effy : Here. You're the hole that fits mine. The moment i saw you, I knew it'd be the closest I'd get to being close. I didn't know what to do with that feeling - happiness. Freddie : Listen, Effy, you are closest. I'm ever gonna... Effy : But they know now. And they're hungry. Really fucking hungry! Because for as long as I know, they've been chasing me. And now they're ready, now they're strong enough to break through, and i can't fight them. I used to be strong enough to break through, and I can't fight them. I used to be able to when i was strong, but... You've made me weak. But now I can't, I can't...
The weather here has gone pretty much like me these past few days; manic.
Mornings were so hot that I always wake up all sweaty, uneasy, and feeling so close to dying from heat stroke. Then in the afternoon it will just rain all of a sudden. It's just so weird that I'm starting to wonder if foxes suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) too, hence the frequent fox rains.
I was really thankful that another fox rain (or sunshower) gave a brief relief from the heat early this afternoon. Feeling exhausted, I immediately fell asleep and dreamt of you...again.
I know I should have already let go of you by now and shouldn't be dreaming of you anymore. You've already found your happiness so I should move on and be happy too. But I just can't.
I've always thought that I'm the most logical person and I'm most of the time, if not always, right. I thought I would be happy and that I could make it without you but I was wrong. I guess it's really true that you'll never know what you got till it's gone.
I think I'm going insane and the only cure seems to be someone.
Someone who checks on how am I doing whenever I feel like nobody cares. Someone who understands whenever I feel like nobody gets how I feel. Someone who makes me smile whenever I feel there's no reason to be happy. Someone who calms me down whenever I feel anxious about everything. Someone who can prove me wrong.
Unfortunately the only person who has ever done that is you. I need you to be that someone. I want you to be my someone.
But I very well know there's no sense in wishing for something impossible to come true. I must accept the fact that it's already impossible for you to be my someone.
You might say: "Nothing is impossible...blah-blah-blah..." If nothing is indeed impossible, then we are nothing.
Still, I can't help wishing for the impossible even though I am nothing. What on earth should I do? I might as well wish to be a fox in my next life, till then you'll know how much I miss you each time a sun shower falls.
