I woke up way too early today, considering I already slept very late last night. I went to bed wishing that by morning my heart wouldn't be pounding as hard as after I finished watching this movie. Much to my dismay, it still is.
It's not really a horror movie because I didn't scream nor did I do anything gay at any point while watching it. It's weird but I find it really frightening.
You know that kind of fear that makes you sweat beads as big as gum balls. The kind of fear that gets your heart pounding so heavily you feel like throwing up. That feeling right after you wake up from a very bad dream but then you realized that you're still in the same dream. Yeah, I got that kind of fear from this movie. But why? I'm just weird, that's why. Really now, I think it's basically because I see a lot of myself in Kevin...and it scares me.
Like him, I've been torturing my mother all my life. Well, just mostly if I must say. My whole life just seem to be about jeering her to the limits. Why? I don't know. I just do it. I think she sees me as the black sheep of the family because she just can't seem to find a way to fix me. I sometimes think that she must really hate me and just says she loves me for the sake of being a mother to me. She always assume that her motherly love can magically transform everything. Well, except me.
Then, does she begin to think that it's her fault, somehow? Does she ever wish she have never given birth to me in the first place? Am I like Kevin- detached, unemotional, uncaring, psychotic? Does our actions spring from nowhere, or are they somehow prefigured? Are we born evil, or did our mother made us this way?
The mere thought of finding the answers to these questions gets my heart racing. From where? Is it from fear? Or is it from excitement? I used to think I knew, now I'm not so sure.
This movie is like a car-crash: terrible to watch but you look to see how awful it can be. Although most people might see this film as just another "bad seed" story, it's actually a quite damning statement about parenting and those crucial stages when a mother needs to bond with her baby as it develops its social behavior. Kevin may seem like a "a demon child who torments his poor mother from infancy through adolescence", but the film questions her blame, as she never made an effort to bond with her child. She never picked him up; she never rocked him; she strolled him near a construction worker actively drilling the ground just to drown his cries. I'm not sure that I blame the child for growing to resent her. Then, when she does try to connect - too little, too late - she only gets frustrated by his resistance, furthering the degradation of their relationship. Granted, the child may have been wired to be evil but, perhaps, had his mother given him the motherly attention he needed at that critical development stage, he would have turned out less so.- CYNICALCRITIC
I'm quite hesitant to publish this post at first cause I know Beauty is as sensitive of a topic as Religion. I'm afraid that I might touch a certain idea that might cause a hysteria in the world of social media. Lol! Sorry. I just noticed that the words in the previous sentence kinda rhymes. Totally unintentional. I guess, my frustrations of being a rapper comes out randomly in weird and wrong places. Pardon me. :)
Seriously now, I know I already expressed my annoyance on a pile of drafts saved for sluggish blogging days. That's why I always try to write everything real time. This post might be the first exception cos I've been working on it for 3 days now. It's not that I don't want people to know about my take on beauty and vanity, which actually I really do, but I just want time to clarify my ideas by thinking and researching more about it. Just a heads up, this post contains several opinions of mine that might come out as rude or distasteful. So if you feel/think that beauty is a sensitive topic for you then I would have to ask you to skip reading this post. If you're in for a debate or just plain curious, then please do read on.
I am no Samantha Brick, but I am tall, slim, blonde cute and, so I'm often told, a good-looking woman. ;) Who the hell is Samantha Brick, you ask? Well, you can go ahead and google her. I kid. She's just a lady who went viral overnight for saying that other women envies her for being 'too pretty'. A little too full of herself you think, huh? Apparently, a lot of women thought so too. And she have thrown a pretty huge avalanche of trolls her way in this narcissistic write up which was published on daily mail around the first week of April. As for me, I don't really hate her. In fact, I find her point rather interesting.
Let's take a deeper look in her thoughts to know what's all the fuss is about. Here are 4 major points from her article which I think are either arguable or rather reasonable (basically for me).
Beautiful women have greater power over less attractive women
Having the opportunity to work in customer service, I've learned the power that beauty possess over people. I've learned the importance of being aesthetically pleasing especially when your job requires social interaction. Let me tell you a story. My first job was with a retail company and they require us to always look our best not only during office hours but even when we're not at work. At first, I didn't grasp the logic behind this policy. In fact, during my first weeks, I would cry everyday because I don't know how to wear high heels, I don't know how to put make-up on, I don't know how to make small talks with random strangers/customers. Most of all, everyone in the company seemed to be beautiful, charming and so unlike me. I just wanted to quit right away because I basically felt like an odd ball and an ugly duckling there. I'm just glad that I didn't because if I did I would never know that I can become a swan too.
I did my best. I studied, trained, practiced, and learned to be more confident. Later on, I started to notice change not only in myself but in the way people treat me as well. I got more compliments from both the same and opposite sex; I started getting free stuff, I never had to stand in a crowded bus or train again because someone always offers me to take their seat; I can finally talk with anyone (celebrities, foreigners, diplomats, etc.) without stuttering; I became more productive at work; and I never felt so good about myself. And so I have finally become a swan: beautiful and powerful.
The most important thing that I've learned from everything is that, I've always been as beautiful and as capable of doing anything as everyone else. I was not less attractive than them, I was just less confident.
Beauty is power. Beauty is confidence.
Women doesn't like to hang out with women who are more attractive than they are
In her article, SB pointed out that her whole life, not one friend have invited her to be a bridesmaid because they're all insecure about her beauty. She also said that her friends get jealous when she gets close to their bfs/husbands and that ladies doesn't want their pictures taken with her because she always overshadow everyone else's beauty. Bitch puhhleeasse...It's not because they think you're too pretty (perhaps you are and they do think so but), it's mainly because you are being a bitch.
I remember a time when I went with one of my bestfriends to an expo of a huge company. We were just wandering around when a lady approached me and asked if she can get a picture of me. She said that she works for a local fashion magazine and she's looking out for attendees whose style can be featured in their magazine. I was flattered and surprised of course. I immediately asked my friend to be with me in the picture but the lady said that she only wants a solo picture of me, I politely told the lady that I didn't want my picture taken at all if not with my friend. That's because I didn't want to hurt my friend's feelings. My friend then told me that she was cool with it and she began teasing me that I'm prettier than her anyway. I turned down her teasing and immediately assured her that if I have dressed differently then the lady would have asked for both of our pictures. We just laughed that experience off and still hangout together until now.
Regarding her point about her friends getting jealous when she talks to their partners, I sometimes think that some of my friends doesn't want me to meet their partners for the same reason. But every time that happens I immediately shove that thought out of my mind by making the first move and insisting on meeting their partners to get to know them better. I eventually became friends with them as well and we've built a pretty strong and healthy friendship. Perhaps that's all because I always make sure not to do anything that will make them feel threatened of me in anyway. Plus my friends can rest assured seeing that I am not really interested in having a romantic relationship with anyone, especially men, but that's already out of the topic. Let's just talk about that some other time. :)
Women always measure their looks rather than achievements
I think this one is a little true, don't you think?
Beautiful women lives a more difficult life because they are hated for no other reason than their lovely looks
I remember when I was in high school and there was this girl whom I really hated. She didn't do anything mean to me but I just refused to be friends with her for no reason other than the fact that I think she's too perfect. She's beautiful, she's popular, charming and every boy in our school seems to have a crush on her. I am definitely jealous of her. Looking back today, I think I was very mean and stupid. So just recently, I tried to make things up by hanging out with her and surprisingly, we became cool. She's really nice so I am really sorry that I judged her before. She's still lovely and charming as ever but now I can say that I don't hate her anymore. We're good friends now.
You see, even though I get compliments on my aesthetics, I refuse to get the 'I'm so pretty' idea into my head. In fact, I often shoo away the nice comments I receive. This is because I'm aware that I'm not perfect and that I have insecurities too. The biggest one being my nose which is often compared to Fiona's (well sometimes to Shrek's). I also have a gap tooth like Spongebob's, and I have very oily skin, plus I'm manic, and the list can go on for days. But inspite all of these, I still believe that I am beautiful.
Angelina Jolie and Dutchess Kate Middleton. Duh. They're beautiful but they don't shove it in our faces because they have what SB lacks: humility. They have insecurities too, you know.
As I have pointed out in my previous post, beauty can be very subjective. A flaw for one can be an asset for another and vice versa. But as much as we hate to admit, somewhere, somehow, there's always someone who's going to find something wrong with you no matter how 'perfectly beautiful' you are. My point is, it's basically not how you look like that matters most, it's how YOU think and feel like. Confidence is beauty but OVERconfidence is ugly.
Here's a fact, everyone has the tendency to be narcissistic and it is not something that's exclusive for women, it exist in men as well. Basically, we're all always wary of how we look because being beautiful can make us feel good about ourselves, right? We just have to be careful not to cross the thin line between healthy-I-am-confident-and-happy-with-the-way-I-look-narcissism and clinical-I-am-so-pretty-therefore-I-am-greater-than-anyone-else-narcissism cause if you do you're gonna fall down and die in the quick sand of self-love just like Narcissus.
I guess everything boils down to the big mistake SB made with what she wrote: her great disregard for other people's feelings and her lack of humility. She might have forgotten that a lot of people will have access to her article and that it is her responsibility to consider various possible reactions first before publicly expressing her opinions. I know it's hard to avoid trolls and not go around trolling in this virtual world but let's not forget that we're still dealing with real people with real feelings. Perhaps we should learn to appreciate and respect each other's unique beauty instead of pointing out what's odd and wrong about each other. When that time finally comes, we can all live in a beautiful world filled with beautiful people. Now kiss. xx
:)) an ice breaker...and a little teaser of what I'm going to rant about next
P.S. If you were able to read this til the end, thank you. And let me tell you a truth, YOU are very beautiful! Way more than Samantha Brick is. :) With that, I would like to dedicate this song for you.
"You don't know you're beautiful. That's what makes you beautiful" <3
Hello?! Anybody there? I would no longer be surprised if nobody will answer back. That's alright, I've already accepted the fact that I am 'forever alone' girl. Cry. And that's what I get from being on 9gag too much. Seriously now, I know I've been mia for a while and I'm really really sorry for that. And to show that I still care about you (yes You, not Him, silly ;P ) why don't we try to have a little chit-chat to catch things up? Okay? Me first. So, how have you been lately? Ah huh. Sweet. Wow. That's good to hear! I'm so happy for you! :) How about me, you ask? Well, a lot of things have happened since the last post I made here but where do I start? Hmmmn...let's begin with the reason I've been mia, shall we? Perfect.
Well, I've been trying to lie-low lately because I just discovered that my Mom has been spying on our internet lives. Not specifically on mine but apparently she have been on my sister. They had a little talk/argument about being irresponsible regarding sharing our family/personal problems on the internet for the world to know. After that, I got really nervous and paranoid for my own safety. What if I'm next? What if she's been secretly keeping track of all my social media activities too? Does she know about my dirty secrets on the world wide web? Has she found a glitch on my incognito window? I've been really really paranoid lately that's why I've been trying to be careful by staying under the radar. Anyway, I just want to share with you the good news that she haven't found out about this blog yet...I think. If not, then I've got no choice but to acknowledge her presence here. Hi Mom! It's me! Your beloved manic daughter! Lol. Okay, enough with the crap.
I'll try to post more often to make it up to you because even if I don't often say it or it doesn't seem like I do, from the bottom of my heart, I really do...care about you. <3 Naks! You don't believe me? Isn't this post enough proof? Can't you see that just for a chance to be with you I'd gladly risk it all? Hah! I just belted out Kanye West's Thru Tha Wire yo! Take that! Peace.
I know we still have a lot of catching up to do but I guess I'll leave you hanging for now cause I can feel eyes on my back as I type this. I'll try my best to sneak out and get back to you tomorrow and the days after. I promise. :) In the meantime, here's a video I've been currently obsessed with. It's an awesome cover of a song from my hero Kurt Cobain's band Nirvana. It's by Lindsey Pavao and Lee Koch from the hit talent show The Voice. WARNING: Can cause an extreme urge of raping the replay button. Enjoy! ;)
I often get questions on what it is like to be manic(whether hypo or hyper). Well, I can't really explain it. The experience of mania completely varies from each individual so it's quite hard to make a general description of it. But if you insist on having a little glimpse of what it's like to be in that state, I would suggest you watch the movie Limitless.
And today, I feel like I just took one of those clear pills. A sudden thought came to my mind. I finally have an idea of what I want to be: a flight attendant. I've never been this hungry for something for a long time. I can already imagine myself living that life. Me travelling around the world, serving and meeting people, sharing a smile. The thought is so sweet I can almost taste it.
That sounds crazy I know but I've finally grown tired of hearing people (when I say people, that includes me) say: you can't be like this, you can't be like that; You won't do this, you can't do that. Why not? I'm sick of can'ts. I don't want to believe that lie anymore. I can be whatever I want to be and no one has the right to say I can't because I can. I know I can. I can make things happen by giving it all that I have. I'm gonna do it for myself... especially for those who says I can't. And I'm gonna start today, not tomorrow but today :)
I have a problem but I can't tell what it is exactly. All I know is that these past few days I'm awake in the wee hours again. Tonight was no different. I just finally got tired of staring blankly at the ceiling while I lay in bed sleepless. So to spice things up a bit I decided to have a staring contest with a blank blog page while counting the number of blinks the cursor makes before my eyes bleed. Seriously, I'm just thinking maybe if I somehow find the will to write something down I can figure it out. I try to psyche myself out a little. Write something for your sanity's sake my dear. Just anything you feel like writing. Boom! There, I finally got it. That's exactly my problem. I don't know what to write cos I don't know what I feel.
They say that balance is always the key. Well, key to what? To where? A promise land where everything works in perfect harmony? A beautiful place between mania and melancholy? We've been through the ups and downs of life but still we know little about this place.
The Big Bang of mania is over. Now what? A light has entered the black hole. Now what?
Mania and melancholy scares me but nothing more than what's in between does. Though completely aware of this bizarre place-or moment or whatever you may call it- I still find myself inevitably tangled up in it's strangeness and charm. Isn't being in betweensupposed to make me feel better? Apparently not.
What's in between is no paradise. It makes you feel nothing. Like you're an unknown speck of matter just floating inconspicuously around the universe. As if you're enclosed in a glass box where you watch everything move fast and fade into a blur. It makes you tired from doing nothing and yet makes sleep even harder to find when night time comes. It's something that makes you sick but you just can't quit. Well, that's what it feels like to me.
Have I reached the event horizon? I hope not. I can only wish that this is just a tangle of space that I've been caught into and that I can somehow find a way to escape it. If only I can find the will to do so. Someone please infect me with a little zest in life. Anyone? To those who will give a damn, bless your hearts and thanks in advance.
So what have I been up to lately you ask? Not much, I just watch these guys everyday. A small family of kittens that has built a home in the rubbish outside our house. They're so cute! I just want to cuddle each one and start owning them. But I know I can't do that cause my Mom would just ask me to throw them out again immediately after I decide to bring them in. So most of the time, I just watch them from the window while they play and feed from their mother. Sometimes a selfish thought comes to my mind: What if I just shoot their mom dead so that I can take them as mine? But of course that's just a thought. I can't kill her and assume her role as a mother to 4 orphan kittens. Besides I'm thinking the orange cat who's their mom might be my long lost kitten Hayley whom my Mom asked to throw out a few days after I picked her up in a bush near our old house. I'm thinking maybe it's her and she somehow found her way back to me and decided that her kittens will be safe here. I couldn't let her down of course. No, not this time.
What's wrong with you? What are you thinking? What are you doing with your life? Answer me.
Nothing.
Fuck. All I want to do right now is to kick the hell out of this idiot and yell 'Wake up you dumb ass!'
You're not like this before. What happened to you? Where's that person who fights and doesn't give up? C'mon, I know you're there. Answer me.
She's dead, you stupid.
I'm really, really, really, -another really- pissed off with myself right now. I'm feeling and thinking a lot of different things lately but I just can't bring myself to put them down into words. I honestly want to write and share all of these feelings and thoughts but they're just so many I can't even decide where to begin. So, I just decided not to post anything...until today.
Last Monday, I just passed up on another great job opportunity for some stupid reason (now that I'm somewhat sane I find it extremely stupid) and yesterday I went to a party and then left after 3 minutes and 49 seconds of being there just because I don't know. I just suddenly felt like 'what the hell am I doing here?!'. I mean, what kind of person does these things? Only a lunatic, right?
I'm lost. It's like I don't know what I want. I'm not even sure if I want anything at all.
I feel like I don't know myself anymore. It's like I got into this freak car accident and for some bizarre reason, I survived but I just can't bring myself to get hold of the steering wheel again. No matter what I do I just can't bring myself back to life. And this really frustrates me so much that I want to scream and kick and jump right off a cliff.
I'm really good (in my opinion but you can always argue with that if you want) at giving advice and motivating others but when it comes to my problems, I'm my own worst enemy . To think that 'practice what you preach' is my mantra. Well, it seems like not anymore.
God, I would give everything to get ME back. I am so fed up, ashamed, frustrated and disappointed with this dead person I've become. I don't want to point fingers at anyone cos I know I'm at fault too but come to think of it, all of this is because of you. You know who you are. I hope.
If I would be asked who do I think I was in my past life, I would probably say Harry Houdini. Why Houdini you ask? Here's why: I grew up to be this shy person who stays away from every possibility to be subjected to the public's discriminating eyes;I've quit every job I had because I don't want to suffer and I fear failure; I've let go of opportunities to love or be loved because of my fear for 'pain' and 'suffering' that comes with having a romantic relationship; I don't dwell on the past because it makes me bitter and sorrowful; in short, I've been basically spending my whole life escaping (my issues that is).
Yes, I've been 'through' hell and I don't want to go back and I only got my Houdini skills to thank for because it has helped me a lot in avoiding bad things from happening to me. The catch is, because of my constant escapism I think I've been missing out on the good stuff as well. It's like I'm always lusting for the prize but because I don't want to go through the dirty stuff to get it I just end up in giving up all my hopes of getting the prize.
This would probably be the most liberating and difficult post I've ever written. It's really hard for me to point the finger on myself on this one but I'm just tired of running in loops from my issues. I don't want to end up walled in a corner by my problems one day wherein I don't have any choice but to surrender.
They say the first step to recovery is discovery so I had to accept my issues no matter how hard it is if I want to change and grow to be a better person. I know this journey would not be a piece of cake and I still have a lot to learn and to discover in order to succeed. But as long as I keep going and fighting, I know eventually I would get there. Would you care to join me?
In the meantime, I would like to share with you a quote I found worthy of being etched on a stone in addition to Moses' 10 commandments. I would even have this tattooed (if only my Mom wouldn't disown me if I do so) on my forehead just so I can be reminded every time I look at my silly face in the mirror not to quit/run/escape/give-up on anything.
If you're going through hell, keep going. A pot of gold awaits at the end of the rainbow.— Winston Churchill.
P.S. I just added the pot of gold thing just to make it more exciting. ;)
I found this principle from a manifesto for lasting happiness. View full post and complete manifesto here.
Living with regret is one of my pet peeves but there are always these days when I sit back and look back on my life and I can't help but think 'I could have done this...', 'I should have said this...' blah-blah-blah... and it just always end up with me miserably wishing to go back and redo everything. But what hurts the most is the fact that I couldn't complain that I didn't have my time because I very well know I had mine. I lived my life and I can't say it's the best but it's definitely filled with good times.
I know I can not bring the past back anymore but I think it won't hurt if I at least give it a try. There's no harm in dreaming of being back in one of them good old days, yah? Sweet. After all, dreams are all that's left for free in this world so might as well dream high. Dream BIG. Who knows maybe tomorrow the blue fairy just might give us a visit. Even though that 'might' chance is just 0.01 percent, it's still a chance and every chance is worth putting up a fight. Go fight! :)
Here's a cover of a very inspirational song from my favorite twins. Enjoy!
Thai actress Baifern Pimchanok from the movie Crazy Little Thing Called Love
and my ultimate girl crush...Angelababy!!!
I've been so stressed these past months that it seems like all hell has decided to break out of my face. I feel like I'm a walking zit-shit-stick It rhymes, yah? I don't know where the hell I got that. It just sprung out of nowhere like the tiny pork in a can of pork and beans. Get it? Nah? All right. Never mind. All right back to the topic. I don't want to start thinking that I look ugly or anything now. I've always thought that it's nice to have imperfections because it makes one unique from everyone else. Your flaws might be an asset for another person. But as old people say, for every rule there's always and ALWAYS an exception. That exception for me is having major breakouts. One or two minor breakout is just fine or even three is still okay. People will just tease you that you're just thinking too much of your crush/boyfriend/fling and that's kind of cute. But when you start to feel like people are looking at your zits- instead of into your eyes- and they seem to be forming constellations out of them in their minds whenever you are talking to them that's when you know you are having major breakouts and that's not cute at all. I'm not really all about beauty and vanity but...but...but why can't I seem to think of any words to put here? Alright, alright, I'll admit it. I am vain (cries pathetically in the corner).
And in desperate times like this when I know that it's already beyond my control, there's only one thing that seem to keep me distracted and discouraged from rushing all hell out of my face by putting every crap I can think of and lay my hands on in it- and that's staring at beautiful faces. The girls above are some of my all-time girl crushes. Am I weird or what? I know I'm weird so you don't have to answer that. ;)
I would also want to share a very inspiring and funny video but I can't remember the keywords to look it up in youtube. Oh well, maybe next time. Have a good one everyone! :)
"Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live"-- Morrie Schwartz
from Lissy Elle's photostream on Flickr
My sister is already on her last semester in college and we just found out that she had lost her scholarship. We were discussing about the possible solutions earlier but we just ended up arguing on who's at fault. Then it came to a point where I felt like my Mom was blaming me for being useless by not having a job. She might have not told me exactly but I know (and felt) what she meant entirely. I just pretended that I was not affected but when I went to bed, I started crying like hell.
I love them so much but I hate them for not being able to understand. No, I hate myself more for not loving them enough. Maybe if I love them enough, I could help them. All I have to do is get a job, earn money, help my family, help myself then everyone would live happily ever after. I hope everything is just that easy. How I wish I can just bounce back to normal again, but I can't. I've tried hard and God (if there really is a God who sees everything) knows how hard I did but I just can't.
I know it's not just my condition. It is something else rooted way deeply. I've been digging around for answers for quite some time now but I always end up digging at the wrong spot. But I very well know now the reason why I can't find the answers: it's because I am protecting them.
I've tried to hide so many emotions I had in the past and so they grew inside me. I've protected these emotions so hard for so long that they've planted their roots so deeply that it's now impossible to pull them out. I used to be so strong to hold them in but they've taken everything I had; they are now stronger and wiser than me. They're now angry, hungry and won't stop haunting me. They're so eager to get loose and I'm no longer strong to fight them. I have no choice but to get lost in this never ending chase.
I don't know what's right and what's real anymore (you're right-I got it from Lily Allen). I'm so numb. All I want to do is to feel again but the only escape I see is for me to leave this world. I want to cry, to shout and to scream for help but I'm alone. No one can help me, not when I can't even help myself. Not until I stop being a wuss by protecting them under my false pretenses.
I'm so sick and tired of all these pretensions. I want to run and scream and tell everyone that I'm not everything they thought I was; I'm not different; I'm not strong, I'm not happy, I'm not careful, I'm not selfless, I'm not brave, I'm not wise. All I want to be is be anyone else but me: I want to be normal, I want to be weak, I want to be sad, I want to be careless, I want to be selfish, I want to be dumb, I want to be a coward, I want to feel, I want to live...for once. I want to die so I can learn how to live.
