SHE EYES ME LIKE A PISCES

Hello?! Anybody there? I would no longer be surprised if nobody will answer back. That's alright, I've already accepted the fact that I am 'forever alone' girl. Cry. And that's what I get from being on 9gag too much. Seriously now, I know I've been mia for a while and I'm really really sorry for that. And to show that I still care about you (yes You, not Him, silly ;P ) why don't we try to have a little chit-chat to catch things up? Okay? Me first. So, how have you been lately? Ah huh. Sweet. Wow. That's good to hear! I'm so happy for you! :) How about me, you ask? Well, a lot of things have happened since the last post I made here but where do I start? Hmmmn...let's begin with the reason I've been mia, shall we? Perfect.

Well, I've been trying to lie-low lately because I just discovered that my Mom has been spying on our internet lives. Not specifically on mine but apparently she have been on my sister. They had a little talk/argument about being irresponsible regarding sharing our family/personal problems on the internet for the world to know. After that, I got really nervous and paranoid for my own safety. What if I'm next? What if she's been secretly keeping track of all my social media activities too? Does she know about my dirty secrets on the world wide web? Has she found a glitch on my incognito window? I've been really really paranoid lately that's why I've been trying to be careful by staying under the radar. Anyway, I just want to share with you the good news that she haven't found out about this blog yet...I think. If not, then I've got no choice but to acknowledge her presence here. Hi Mom! It's me! Your beloved manic daughter! Lol. Okay, enough with the crap.

I'll try to post more often to make it up to you because even if I don't often say it or it doesn't seem like I do, from the bottom of my heart, I really do...care about you. <3 Naks! You don't believe me?  Isn't this post enough proof? Can't you see that just for a chance to be with you I'd gladly risk it all? Hah! I just belted out Kanye West's Thru Tha Wire yo! Take that! Peace.

I know we still have a lot of catching up to do but I guess I'll leave you hanging for now cause I can feel eyes on my back as I type this. I'll try my best to sneak out and get back to you tomorrow and the days after. I promise. :) In the meantime, here's a video I've been currently obsessed with. It's an awesome cover of a song from my hero Kurt Cobain's band Nirvana. It's by Lindsey Pavao and Lee Koch from the hit talent show The Voice. WARNING: Can cause an extreme urge of raping the replay button. Enjoy!  ;)

I'M MY OWN WORST ENEMY

Source: tumblr.com via Shelby on Pinterest

What's wrong with you?
What are you thinking?
What are you doing with your life?
Answer me.




Nothing.




Fuck.
All I want to do right now is to kick the hell out of this idiot and yell 'Wake up you dumb ass!'


You're not like this before.
What happened to you?
Where's that person who fights and doesn't give up?
C'mon, I know you're there.
Answer me.




She's dead, you stupid.






I'm really, really, really, -another really- pissed off with myself right now. I'm feeling and thinking a lot of different things lately but I just can't bring myself to put them down into words. I honestly want to write and share all of these feelings and thoughts but they're just so many I can't even decide where to begin. So, I just decided not to post anything...until today.

Last Monday, I just passed up on another great job opportunity for some stupid reason (now that I'm somewhat sane I find it extremely stupid) and yesterday I went to a party and then left after 3 minutes and 49 seconds of being there just because I don't know. I just suddenly felt like 'what the hell am I doing here?!'. I mean, what kind of person does these things? Only a lunatic, right?

I'm lost. It's like I don't know what I want. I'm not even sure if I want anything at all.

I feel like I don't know myself anymore. It's like I got into this freak car accident and for some bizarre reason, I survived but I just can't bring myself to get hold of the steering wheel again. No matter what I do I just can't bring myself back to life. And this really frustrates me so much that I want to scream and kick and jump right off a cliff.

I'm really good (in my opinion but you can always argue with that if you want) at giving advice and motivating others but when it comes to my problems, I'm my own worst enemy . To think that 'practice what you preach' is my mantra. Well, it seems like not anymore.

God, I would give everything to get ME back. I am so fed up, ashamed, frustrated and disappointed with this dead person I've become. I don't want to point fingers at anyone cos I know I'm at fault too but come to think of it, all of this is because of you. You know who you are. I hope.

There's one thing I want to say

so I'll be brave.

You're all that I wanted.

I gave what I gave.

I'm not sorry it's over.

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

TO LOVE AND BE LOVED

Photo by Lissy Elle

List all the things you want to achieve in life. It can be anything. No matter how crazy it is just write it down.
This is stupid. The ever so pessimistic side of me told myself.
Take your time. Don't rush. Let your inner self guide you. Feel it inside. The one that touches your heart and soul the most is your real purpose. The rest would just be goals.
Alright. Let's give this a try. I have nothing to lose anyway. I took a pen and paper and started scribbling.

1. I want to talk.
2. I want to share.
3. I want to listen.
4. I want to touch people's lives.
5. I want to laugh.
6. I want to be remembered.
7. I want to be good.
8. I want to be great.
9. I want to love and be loved.
10. I want to be successful.
11. I want to be happy.
12. I want a house.
13. I want a car.
14. I want to travel the world.
15. I want to read.
16. I want to study.
17. I want to explore.
18. I want to swim.
19. I want to climb a mountain.
20. I want a family.

I don't know but for some strange reason, I can't hold back my tears at #9.

NO MORE RUNNING AWAY

“When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind.” -Seneca

Imaginary Worlds by Lissy Elle

"What do you really want in your life?"
I replied, "Uh...I don't know."
Bad answer. I can see the look on her face as if saying, "What a poor thing."
"You have to know what you want to achieve in your life. Even if you don't know yet, you have to take advantage of every opportunity that comes to you. Curve balls will always be thrown at you along the way and you just can't quit every time this happens..." 
Her words hit me like a splash of cold water and the last six are what hit home.
"Besides, you're not getting any younger."

They say everyone gets to a point in their life where one questions their purpose. Some call it "the mid-life crisis" and I am no virgin to this. What's my purpose in life? Why do I exist? These are the biggest questions we throw ourselves at one point or another. I've been desperately looking for answers while trying to make sense out of everything that happens in between. But I am so jaded in life, my purpose has long been just to take whatever life throws at me every day and ultimately wait for my death. I didn't have a "purpose". I am contented  in living within my bubble filled with mediocracy surrounded by negativity, complaints and dissatisfaction. Well, I was, until now.

I've longed search for happiness but to no avail. I always end up asking (and singing to) myself:

Do you know where you're going to? 

Do you like the things that life's been throwing you? Where are you going to? Do you know? 

That's so corny. I know. Sorry. I'll stop now. 

My answer to those questions have always been no. Why? It's just today that it dawn on me the very reason why. I just realized that the things I thought I want are not really what I wanted and it's mainly because I've been gauging my happiness based on other people's standards. I've been living out other people's purpose instead of mine. 

I want to stop living aimlessly without a purpose. I want to step out of the shadows. I want to change. I want to exist. I want to live.

I'll be turning 24 this year and as much as I hate to admit it, yes, I am not getting any younger. And so are you. It's time to make our move.

*The conversation above is what transpired yesterday between me and my manager when I gave my resignation letter.

YOU HAVE ALL THE WEAPONS YOU NEED, NOW FIGHT!

Everyone has an Angel. A Guardian who watches over us. We can't know what form they'll take One day, Old man, Next day, Little girl. But don't let appearances fool you, They can be as fierce as any dragon. Yet they're not here to fight our battles. But to whisper from our hearts. Reminding that it's us. Its everyone of us who holds power over the world we create. 

The mystery of whose story it will be, of who draws the curtain. Who is it that chooses our steps in a dance? Who drives us mad, flashes us with whips, crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it that tells all these things? 

Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It's YOU.

 If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

I will pass my resignation letter tomorrow (though I haven't made it yet-fail). It's final. For my next step, I'm actually thinking of two things: first, I'll apply for a similar job  in a different company and work there for about a year to save money and then take a course in culinary which can give me better job opportunities. Second option is to swallow my pride (which is pretty humongous, I'm telling you) and reapply on my first job and build a long-term career there in sales. I have the weekend to think hard about this and I'm planning to have a quick trip somewhere with my old neglected friends which I am hoping will enlighten my mind and lead me into making the right decision. I want to get my life straight because I realized that time flies so much faster than I thought and I'm not getting any younger, you know. So let's keep our fingers crossed, yah?

All the quotes are from the movie Suckerpunch, which I just watched this morning. I didn't watch this on the big screen because people told me that it sucks (Suckerpunch sucks--how ironic) but for me it wasn't that bad. Though the plot runs quite slow and it looks like a lame female version of Shutter Island, I kinda like it. Sort of. Well, I basically like the message of the movie which was for me is about taking control of your life. Or something like that.

The song is my favorite from Brian Jonestown Massacre. It just gives off this bad-ass western vibe (hence the photos of bad-ass girls in the desert) that grips my soul. Whenever I listen to this I feel like I'm strong enough to stand up and fight all the things that will try to take me down (like, "hell yeah, bring it on!"). It transports me to a different world. A world where I can do anything. Is that weird? I dunno but there are certain songs that appeals so much to my psyche. Do you get that feeling with a certain song too? Please share them with me. I'll be glad to know that I'm not (insane and) alone. ;)

*Photo 1 and 4 from Lina Tesch

*Photo 2 and 3 from Google Images

POSSIBLE POSITIVITY

I just realized that I've been putting up too much negativity in this blog. Most (if not all) of my posts were about my mid-life crisis angst and random rants about my so-called-life which most people would not even give a damn for. I feel like I owe something to the few people who waste their precious time to read/check my blog and to the poor souls that get lost here by randomly googling stuff like "effy-stonem-you're-making-me-mad-quotes".

So to show my appreciation for YOU GUYS and to prove that I'm not all about being miserable and depressed, I'm going to commit myself to add more substance and life to this blog in the coming days. No, maybe not in the coming days. Why not start today by sharing something lively and happy-just for a change?

Alright here we go. Here's three things that made me very happy for the past weeks:


1. I won a blog giveaway! 
Yeay! I was one of three winners of 3 pairs of tights and 30USD credit in ROMWE. How cool is that? Really cool! And guess who hosted the blog giveaway where I won? It's from The Boy Dressed for Many Occasions, none other than my ultimate guy crush in lookbook-Bobby Raffin! I wasn't really expecting to win anything I just drop a comment and added my email-add just in case. Haha! I really can't believe I won! And Bobby even informed me personally thru a reply in my comment in LB. How cool is that? SUPER COOL! I was jumping all around when I found out. Just the thought of how lucky I got still brings a smile on my face- and that is worth so much more than the prize! :)

2. I'm going to be part of a secret project!

It's still a secret so I can't tell you what it is. Sorry, but don't worry I'll share it for sure once it's done. Pinky swear? What I can tell you is it's something new, fun and exciting! :)


3. I'm going to have my first blog collaboration!

Pull the trigger

Seriously, I still can't believe this one. Though I had doubts at first if it's just a spam or what, I somewhat got convinced to fool myself into believing it's somewhat true because they replied to my email and gave me permission to use photos from their site. Okay. I don't want to give myself false expectations so I'll just dwell on the thought of waking up one morning and be surprised by a package-it's like receiving gifts from Santa! I'll keep you posted once this dream comes true. :)

So that's it for my first attempt for a better blog. Do you have tips, suggestions or any violent reactions for me? Feel free to let me know. Don't worry cos I'm pretty open-minded, well sometimes. :P

I'll leave you with the music video of my current pick-me-up/shower song.
*top secret* I actually dance like Jessie does in her black and white graffiti overalls whenever this song plays.

HAPPY DANCING!!!

YOU AND I, WE WERE BORN TO DIE

Gawd. I can't stop listening (and watching the MV) to this song since yesterday. I first heard of Lana del Rey's Video Games in December I think, and I immediately liked her but when I found this song my liking for her has immediately turned into an obsession. The lyrics and the melody are beyond perfection! And don't even get me started with the video. I think I'll just stop watching this when it reach 15million views (that's just barely 250k more views!) Haha!

On a totally different note, here's an update about me. I've been absent from work for 2 days now. I'm actually a little sick (physically) but that's not the real reason for my absence because I can actually go to work even if I'm sick IF I really want to. The problem is I just don't have the motivation to go to work anymore. I'm actually really torn between leaving and enduring all the crap for a little bit longer. The work itself is pretty easy but what I'm really having problems with is the management. It's just so frustrating (at least for me) to work for people who (I feel and observe) doesn't really care about their employees. People who ask for things yet doesn't know how to give back. People who says one thing and does the other. People without integrity.

I already had 2 major breakdowns on the production floor and I don't think I am willing to risk staying for a third one. The reasons for my meltdowns are just actually petty things. One is because I am just really hard on myself and I easily get frustrated when I can't do something properly when I very well know I can do so much better. You can say that I'm a perfectionist. I hate falling below people's expectations most especially mine's.

The other issue that I'm having is this feeling that I am being taken advantage of. I get really upset when I know that I am doing the best that I can but I don't get rewarded accordingly. But who doesn't, right? I'm not really asking for something grand but at least something that I deserve and will well compensate the efforts that I give in the company. I really believe in the principle of give and take and karma, so I really turn into a bitch if things get out of line with these principles.

I really want to quit already but I don't know where to go next once I do. I'm still confused. I know that I'm the only one who can tell what's the right thing to do but I know there's no turning back once I decide. I don't want to regret anything and keep making the wrong decisions.What do you think? Should I compromise or should I quit?

Feet don't fail me now

Take me to the finish line

All my heart, it breaks every step that I take

But I'm hoping that the gates,

They'll tell me that you're mine

Walking through the city streets

Is it by mistake or design?

WEDNESDAYS

"Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live"-- Morrie Schwartz

from Lissy Elle's photostream on Flickr

My sister is already on her last semester in college and we just found out that she had lost her scholarship. We were discussing about the possible solutions earlier but we just ended up arguing on who's at fault. Then it came to a point where I felt like my Mom was blaming me for being useless by not having a job. She might have not told me exactly but I know (and felt) what she meant entirely. I just pretended that I was not affected but when I went to bed, I started crying like hell. 


I love them so much but I hate them for not being able to understand. No, I hate myself more for not loving them enough. Maybe if I love them enough, I could help them. All I have to do is get a job, earn money, help my family, help myself then everyone would live happily ever after. I hope everything is just that easy. How I wish I can just bounce back to normal again, but I can't. I've tried hard and God (if there really is a God who sees everything) knows how hard I did but I just can't.


I know it's not just my condition. It is something else rooted way deeply. I've been digging around for answers for quite some time now but I always end up digging at the wrong spot. But I very well know now the reason why I can't find the answers: it's because I am protecting them. 


I've tried to hide so many emotions I had in the past and so they grew inside me. I've protected these emotions so hard for so long that they've planted their roots so deeply that it's now impossible to pull them out. I used to be so strong to hold them in but they've taken everything I had; they are now stronger and wiser than me. They're now angry, hungry and won't stop haunting me. They're so eager to get loose and I'm no longer strong to fight them.  I have no choice but to get lost in this never ending chase.


I don't know what's right and what's real anymore (you're right-I got it from Lily Allen). I'm so numb. All I want to do is to feel again but the only escape I see is for me to leave this world. I want to cry, to shout and to scream for help but I'm alone. No one can  help me, not when I can't even help myself. Not until I stop being a wuss by protecting them under my false pretenses.


I'm so sick and tired of all these pretensions. I want to run and scream and tell everyone that I'm not everything they thought I was; I'm not different; I'm not strong, I'm not happy, I'm not careful, I'm not selfless, I'm not brave, I'm not wise. All I want to be is be anyone else but me: I want to be normal, I want to be weak, I want to be sad, I want to be careless, I want to be selfish, I want to be dumb, I want to be a coward, I want to feel, I want to live...for once. I want to die so I can learn how to live.

THERE IS NOTHING AS EASY/LUCKY/FREE

This is kind of a late post. Last week I went to our province for my cousin/godchild's (FYI: I'm not really her godmother. She just calls me Ninang because I happen to have the same name as her "true" Ninang, so there) 7th birthday celebration.  I didn't want to come at first cause I'm feeling lethargic (as always), but after a lot of ramblings from my Mom and sister and because of my insatiable love for icings (the icing on cakes in our province are the most divine!), I finally gave in.

It was a typical children's party: food, cake, balloons, gifts, games, clowns and everything. It was nothing out of the ordinary. Knowing myself, how I hate going to parties and anything "ordinary", I was sure I was going to regret coming. But surprisingly, I did enjoy. Okay so it wasn't really the actual party itself that I enjoyed but the realizations and nostalgia that it brought me.

The life of my relatives in the province is so simple, yet I don't see them lurking in sadness about their situation. They don't have much but they seem to be happy. Unlike me, who may not have everything but definitely have more than enough; I still find many reasons not to be happy. So why am I unhappy? What's wrong with me? 

After giving much thought, I realized that maybe I am not really unhappy. I'm just not thankful and appreciative enough of what I have (or don't have) like them.

Happiness is not just a choice we make; it is more of a prize. We need to constantly search for what makes us happy, and once we have found it we need not be lax about it. It's like swimming in the ocean to get to an island; we need to do everything to stay afloat and to get there. A wave or storm may throw us down once in a while but we must not give up, no matter how lost we are at sea and no matter how difficult it is; we need to get back up for air and reach or search for our island.

So, I will not just choose happiness; I will fight for it with everything I got. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and win the prize. 'Cause, even though I may not be always happy, in every sense of the word, I am alive and that's enough...for now.