TANGLED

The Things We Can't Let Go Of by Lissy Elle

I have a problem but I can't tell what it is exactly. All I know is that these past few days I'm awake in the wee hours again. Tonight was no different. I just finally got tired of staring blankly at the ceiling while I lay in bed sleepless. So to spice things up a bit I decided to have a staring contest with a blank blog page while counting the number of blinks the cursor makes before my eyes bleed. Seriously, I'm just thinking maybe if I somehow find the will to write something down I can figure it out. I try to psyche myself out a little. Write something for your sanity's sake my dear. Just anything you feel like writing. Boom! There, I finally got it. That's exactly my problem. I don't know what to write cos I don't know what I feel.

They say that balance is always the key. Well, key to what? To where? A promise land where everything works in perfect harmony? A beautiful place between mania and melancholy? We've been through the ups and downs of life but still we know little about this place.

The Big Bang of mania is over. Now what? A light has entered the black hole. Now what?

Mania and  melancholy scares me but nothing more than what's in between does. Though completely aware of this bizarre place-or moment or whatever you may call it- I still find myself inevitably tangled up in it's strangeness and charm. Isn't being in between supposed to make me feel better? Apparently not.

What's in between is no paradise. It makes you feel nothing. Like you're an unknown speck of matter just floating inconspicuously around the universe. As if you're enclosed in a glass box where you watch everything move fast and fade into a blur. It makes you tired from doing nothing and yet makes sleep even harder to find when night time comes. It's something that makes you sick but you just can't quit. Well, that's what it feels like to me.

Have I reached the event horizon? I hope not. I can only wish that this is just a tangle of space that I've been caught into and that I can somehow find a way to escape it. If only I can find the will to do so. Someone please infect me with a little zest in life. Anyone? To those who will give a damn, bless your hearts and thanks in advance.

SAFE AND SOUND

So what have I been up to lately you ask? Not much, I just watch these guys everyday. A small family of kittens that has built a home in the rubbish outside our house. They're so cute! I just want to cuddle each one and start owning them. But I know I can't do that cause my Mom would just ask me to throw them out again immediately after I decide to bring them in. So most of the time, I just watch them from the window while they play and feed from their mother. Sometimes a selfish thought comes to my mind: What if I just shoot their mom dead so that I can take them as mine? But of course that's just a thought. I can't kill her and assume her role as a mother to 4 orphan kittens. Besides I'm thinking the orange cat who's their mom might be my long lost kitten Hayley whom my Mom asked to throw out a few days after I picked her up in a bush near our old house. I'm thinking maybe it's her and she somehow found her way back to me and decided that her kittens will be safe here. I couldn't let her down of course. No, not this time.

PROJECT X

how to make an epic party

BYOB

Tequila body shots

Get everyone bouncing

(e)pic gnom(e) surpris(e)

About a week ago, I read a disturbing news on yahoo: 'Project X' inspired party leads to death of a teenager. I was like: 'What the heck is 'Project X'? I googled it and instantly got curious. Finally, I was able to watch it this morning and all I can say is...WOW. I know it's pretty silly but it's just undeniably awesome! I think it's indeed the most epic party movie of all time. It's basically every teenager's dream and no doubts every parent's nightmare. It's just oozing with fun and freedom. Darn, it made me miss being a teenager and partying all night big time. No wonder everyone has been trying to imitate this party in real life.

Take a sneak peek of what I'm rambling and raving about here.

Contrary to almost all reviews made for this movie, I would give this a two thumbs up. I think it's not all about bad influences. One just need an open mind to understand its message. Believe me, it is one epic movie. It's epic cause it reminds you that you are capable of everything. "Losers" Thomas, JB and Costa became legends overnight. Like them, you too have the power to change the game. Nothing is impossible. Go crazy. Be wild. Get high. Have fun. To hell with the consequences. Do it while you still can. For it's not forever that you'll have the privilege to blame everything on being young and stupid. :)

21st CENTURY ALLEGORY OF LOVE

It's just one of those nights when sleep just won't seem to like to pay her a visit. She's been tossing and turning in her bed for more than an hour trying to find the perfect position that would help her get into slumber. How long have I been in bed? She asked in her mind and then grabbed her cell to check on the time. It was almost 2am. Shit. She placed it back under her pillow. Oh, why in the world can I not sleep?

Maybe he's thinking of you. A tiny voice in her head whispered.

She couldn't help but smile at the thought of him. Tossing and turning in his own bed not getting any sleep because he's thinking about her too.

Why is he not texting me lately then? That seems odd.

She suddenly heard her cell beep at the sound of a text message. What a coincidence! I just thought of him and then he already sent me a text. She immediately grabbed it and pressed the 'read' button with excitement.

"Hey, are you still awake?" to her dismay, it was not Adam. It was her best friend, Jenny.
"Yeah, why? Wassup?" she replied.
"Not much. I just want to tell you something."
"Alright. Give me a moment and I'll get up and go online so you won't have to text me and get charged. :)"
"Okie dokie :)"


"Ok. I'm good. What is it you're gonna tell me?"

"Adam is courting me."

Her jaw immediately dropped to the floor. She felt like she's just been hit with a bucket full of ice. Wait, what?! Maybe this is just some kind of a joke. If it is, then it's not a very nice one, she thought.

"Really? How?" 

She couldn't help but pray- please please please let it be a joke.

"Uhmm...because he would always walk me home. And earlier I asked him if he was trying to court me and he said yes."

Dafuq?! She froze. She couldn't feel anything. She felt as if an invisible knife has just been forced into her chest. She felt exactly like Frodo when he was stabbed with a Morgul-blade. The pain is killing her even though there's no real thing that causes it.

She reminded herself, This is what I wanted right? But why? How?
She couldn't answer any of these for her mind is in spiral. She didn't know what to think. She didn't know what to feel.

"You're the first and only one I told about this. I felt like you ought to know first."

She felt like she was in a bad dream. This is just a dream. This is just a dream. Wake up now. Please wake me up now. Somebody please. She screamed but there's no one to answer her plea. And with that she  knew that everything was true.

I'M MY OWN WORST ENEMY

Source: tumblr.com via Shelby on Pinterest

What's wrong with you?
What are you thinking?
What are you doing with your life?
Answer me.




Nothing.




Fuck.
All I want to do right now is to kick the hell out of this idiot and yell 'Wake up you dumb ass!'


You're not like this before.
What happened to you?
Where's that person who fights and doesn't give up?
C'mon, I know you're there.
Answer me.




She's dead, you stupid.






I'm really, really, really, -another really- pissed off with myself right now. I'm feeling and thinking a lot of different things lately but I just can't bring myself to put them down into words. I honestly want to write and share all of these feelings and thoughts but they're just so many I can't even decide where to begin. So, I just decided not to post anything...until today.

Last Monday, I just passed up on another great job opportunity for some stupid reason (now that I'm somewhat sane I find it extremely stupid) and yesterday I went to a party and then left after 3 minutes and 49 seconds of being there just because I don't know. I just suddenly felt like 'what the hell am I doing here?!'. I mean, what kind of person does these things? Only a lunatic, right?

I'm lost. It's like I don't know what I want. I'm not even sure if I want anything at all.

I feel like I don't know myself anymore. It's like I got into this freak car accident and for some bizarre reason, I survived but I just can't bring myself to get hold of the steering wheel again. No matter what I do I just can't bring myself back to life. And this really frustrates me so much that I want to scream and kick and jump right off a cliff.

I'm really good (in my opinion but you can always argue with that if you want) at giving advice and motivating others but when it comes to my problems, I'm my own worst enemy . To think that 'practice what you preach' is my mantra. Well, it seems like not anymore.

God, I would give everything to get ME back. I am so fed up, ashamed, frustrated and disappointed with this dead person I've become. I don't want to point fingers at anyone cos I know I'm at fault too but come to think of it, all of this is because of you. You know who you are. I hope.

There's one thing I want to say

so I'll be brave.

You're all that I wanted.

I gave what I gave.

I'm not sorry it's over.

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.