THE GREATEST ESCAPE ARTIST

If I would be asked who do I think I was in my past life, I would probably say Harry Houdini. Why Houdini you ask? Here's why: I grew up to be this shy person who stays away from every possibility to be subjected to the public's discriminating eyes; I've quit every job I had because I don't want to suffer and I fear failure; I've let go of opportunities to love or be loved because of my fear for 'pain' and 'suffering' that comes with having a romantic relationship; I don't dwell on the past because it makes me bitter and sorrowful; in short, I've been basically spending my whole life escaping (my issues that is).


Yes, I've been 'through' hell and I don't want to go back and I only got my Houdini skills to thank for because it has helped me a lot in avoiding bad things from happening to me. The catch is, because of my constant escapism I think I've been missing out on the good stuff as well. It's like I'm always lusting for the prize but because I don't want to go through the dirty stuff to get it I just end up in giving up all my hopes of getting the prize.


This would probably be the most liberating and difficult post I've ever written. It's really hard for me to point the finger on myself on this one but I'm just tired of running in loops from my issues. I don't want to end up walled in a corner by my problems one day wherein I don't have any choice but to surrender. 


They say the first step to recovery is discovery so I had to accept my issues no matter how hard it is if I want to change and grow to be a better person. I know this journey would not be a piece of cake and I still have a lot to learn and to discover in order to succeed. But as long as I keep going and fighting, I know eventually I would get there. Would you care to join me?


In the meantime, I would like to share with you a quote I found worthy of being etched on a stone in addition to Moses' 10 commandments. I would even have this tattooed (if only my Mom wouldn't disown me if I do so) on my forehead just so I can be reminded every time I look at my silly face in the mirror not to quit/run/escape/give-up on anything.

If you're going through hell, keep going.  A pot of gold awaits at the end of the rainbow.— Winston Churchill.

P.S.
I just added the pot of gold thing just to make it more exciting. ;)

NEXT TIME? THERE 'MIGHT' BE A NEXT TIME

           Don't think 'what if' but 'next time'.

 I found this principle from a manifesto for lasting happiness. View full post and complete manifesto here.

Living with regret is one of my pet peeves but there are always these days when I sit back and look back on my life and I can't help but think 'I could have done this...', 'I should have said this...' blah-blah-blah... and it just always end up with me miserably wishing to go back and redo everything. But what hurts the most is the fact that I couldn't complain that I didn't have my time because I very well know I had mine. I lived my life and I can't say it's the best but it's definitely filled with good times.

I know I can not bring the past back anymore but I think it won't hurt if I at least give it a try. There's no harm in  dreaming of being back in one of them good old days, yah? Sweet. After all, dreams are all that's left for free in this world so might as well dream high. Dream BIG. Who knows maybe tomorrow the blue fairy just might give us a visit. Even though that 'might' chance is just 0.01 percent, it's still a chance and every chance is worth putting up a fight. Go fight! :)

Here's a cover of a very inspirational song from my favorite twins. Enjoy!

TO LOVE AND BE LOVED

Photo by Lissy Elle

List all the things you want to achieve in life. It can be anything. No matter how crazy it is just write it down.
This is stupid. The ever so pessimistic side of me told myself.
Take your time. Don't rush. Let your inner self guide you. Feel it inside. The one that touches your heart and soul the most is your real purpose. The rest would just be goals.
Alright. Let's give this a try. I have nothing to lose anyway. I took a pen and paper and started scribbling.

1. I want to talk.
2. I want to share.
3. I want to listen.
4. I want to touch people's lives.
5. I want to laugh.
6. I want to be remembered.
7. I want to be good.
8. I want to be great.
9. I want to love and be loved.
10. I want to be successful.
11. I want to be happy.
12. I want a house.
13. I want a car.
14. I want to travel the world.
15. I want to read.
16. I want to study.
17. I want to explore.
18. I want to swim.
19. I want to climb a mountain.
20. I want a family.

I don't know but for some strange reason, I can't hold back my tears at #9.

NO MORE RUNNING AWAY

“When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind.” -Seneca

Imaginary Worlds by Lissy Elle

"What do you really want in your life?"
I replied, "Uh...I don't know."
Bad answer. I can see the look on her face as if saying, "What a poor thing."
"You have to know what you want to achieve in your life. Even if you don't know yet, you have to take advantage of every opportunity that comes to you. Curve balls will always be thrown at you along the way and you just can't quit every time this happens..." 
Her words hit me like a splash of cold water and the last six are what hit home.
"Besides, you're not getting any younger."

They say everyone gets to a point in their life where one questions their purpose. Some call it "the mid-life crisis" and I am no virgin to this. What's my purpose in life? Why do I exist? These are the biggest questions we throw ourselves at one point or another. I've been desperately looking for answers while trying to make sense out of everything that happens in between. But I am so jaded in life, my purpose has long been just to take whatever life throws at me every day and ultimately wait for my death. I didn't have a "purpose". I am contented  in living within my bubble filled with mediocracy surrounded by negativity, complaints and dissatisfaction. Well, I was, until now.

I've longed search for happiness but to no avail. I always end up asking (and singing to) myself:

Do you know where you're going to? 

Do you like the things that life's been throwing you? Where are you going to? Do you know? 

That's so corny. I know. Sorry. I'll stop now. 

My answer to those questions have always been no. Why? It's just today that it dawn on me the very reason why. I just realized that the things I thought I want are not really what I wanted and it's mainly because I've been gauging my happiness based on other people's standards. I've been living out other people's purpose instead of mine. 

I want to stop living aimlessly without a purpose. I want to step out of the shadows. I want to change. I want to exist. I want to live.

I'll be turning 24 this year and as much as I hate to admit it, yes, I am not getting any younger. And so are you. It's time to make our move.

*The conversation above is what transpired yesterday between me and my manager when I gave my resignation letter.

YOU HAVE ALL THE WEAPONS YOU NEED, NOW FIGHT!

Everyone has an Angel. A Guardian who watches over us. We can't know what form they'll take One day, Old man, Next day, Little girl. But don't let appearances fool you, They can be as fierce as any dragon. Yet they're not here to fight our battles. But to whisper from our hearts. Reminding that it's us. Its everyone of us who holds power over the world we create. 

The mystery of whose story it will be, of who draws the curtain. Who is it that chooses our steps in a dance? Who drives us mad, flashes us with whips, crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it that tells all these things? 

Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It's YOU.

 If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

I will pass my resignation letter tomorrow (though I haven't made it yet-fail). It's final. For my next step, I'm actually thinking of two things: first, I'll apply for a similar job  in a different company and work there for about a year to save money and then take a course in culinary which can give me better job opportunities. Second option is to swallow my pride (which is pretty humongous, I'm telling you) and reapply on my first job and build a long-term career there in sales. I have the weekend to think hard about this and I'm planning to have a quick trip somewhere with my old neglected friends which I am hoping will enlighten my mind and lead me into making the right decision. I want to get my life straight because I realized that time flies so much faster than I thought and I'm not getting any younger, you know. So let's keep our fingers crossed, yah?

All the quotes are from the movie Suckerpunch, which I just watched this morning. I didn't watch this on the big screen because people told me that it sucks (Suckerpunch sucks--how ironic) but for me it wasn't that bad. Though the plot runs quite slow and it looks like a lame female version of Shutter Island, I kinda like it. Sort of. Well, I basically like the message of the movie which was for me is about taking control of your life. Or something like that.

The song is my favorite from Brian Jonestown Massacre. It just gives off this bad-ass western vibe (hence the photos of bad-ass girls in the desert) that grips my soul. Whenever I listen to this I feel like I'm strong enough to stand up and fight all the things that will try to take me down (like, "hell yeah, bring it on!"). It transports me to a different world. A world where I can do anything. Is that weird? I dunno but there are certain songs that appeals so much to my psyche. Do you get that feeling with a certain song too? Please share them with me. I'll be glad to know that I'm not (insane and) alone. ;)

*Photo 1 and 4 from Lina Tesch

*Photo 2 and 3 from Google Images

POSSIBLE POSITIVITY

I just realized that I've been putting up too much negativity in this blog. Most (if not all) of my posts were about my mid-life crisis angst and random rants about my so-called-life which most people would not even give a damn for. I feel like I owe something to the few people who waste their precious time to read/check my blog and to the poor souls that get lost here by randomly googling stuff like "effy-stonem-you're-making-me-mad-quotes".

So to show my appreciation for YOU GUYS and to prove that I'm not all about being miserable and depressed, I'm going to commit myself to add more substance and life to this blog in the coming days. No, maybe not in the coming days. Why not start today by sharing something lively and happy-just for a change?

Alright here we go. Here's three things that made me very happy for the past weeks:


1. I won a blog giveaway! 
Yeay! I was one of three winners of 3 pairs of tights and 30USD credit in ROMWE. How cool is that? Really cool! And guess who hosted the blog giveaway where I won? It's from The Boy Dressed for Many Occasions, none other than my ultimate guy crush in lookbook-Bobby Raffin! I wasn't really expecting to win anything I just drop a comment and added my email-add just in case. Haha! I really can't believe I won! And Bobby even informed me personally thru a reply in my comment in LB. How cool is that? SUPER COOL! I was jumping all around when I found out. Just the thought of how lucky I got still brings a smile on my face- and that is worth so much more than the prize! :)

2. I'm going to be part of a secret project!

It's still a secret so I can't tell you what it is. Sorry, but don't worry I'll share it for sure once it's done. Pinky swear? What I can tell you is it's something new, fun and exciting! :)


3. I'm going to have my first blog collaboration!

Pull the trigger

Seriously, I still can't believe this one. Though I had doubts at first if it's just a spam or what, I somewhat got convinced to fool myself into believing it's somewhat true because they replied to my email and gave me permission to use photos from their site. Okay. I don't want to give myself false expectations so I'll just dwell on the thought of waking up one morning and be surprised by a package-it's like receiving gifts from Santa! I'll keep you posted once this dream comes true. :)

So that's it for my first attempt for a better blog. Do you have tips, suggestions or any violent reactions for me? Feel free to let me know. Don't worry cos I'm pretty open-minded, well sometimes. :P

I'll leave you with the music video of my current pick-me-up/shower song.
*top secret* I actually dance like Jessie does in her black and white graffiti overalls whenever this song plays.

HAPPY DANCING!!!