TANGLED

The Things We Can't Let Go Of by Lissy Elle

I have a problem but I can't tell what it is exactly. All I know is that these past few days I'm awake in the wee hours again. Tonight was no different. I just finally got tired of staring blankly at the ceiling while I lay in bed sleepless. So to spice things up a bit I decided to have a staring contest with a blank blog page while counting the number of blinks the cursor makes before my eyes bleed. Seriously, I'm just thinking maybe if I somehow find the will to write something down I can figure it out. I try to psyche myself out a little. Write something for your sanity's sake my dear. Just anything you feel like writing. Boom! There, I finally got it. That's exactly my problem. I don't know what to write cos I don't know what I feel.

They say that balance is always the key. Well, key to what? To where? A promise land where everything works in perfect harmony? A beautiful place between mania and melancholy? We've been through the ups and downs of life but still we know little about this place.

The Big Bang of mania is over. Now what? A light has entered the black hole. Now what?

Mania and  melancholy scares me but nothing more than what's in between does. Though completely aware of this bizarre place-or moment or whatever you may call it- I still find myself inevitably tangled up in it's strangeness and charm. Isn't being in between supposed to make me feel better? Apparently not.

What's in between is no paradise. It makes you feel nothing. Like you're an unknown speck of matter just floating inconspicuously around the universe. As if you're enclosed in a glass box where you watch everything move fast and fade into a blur. It makes you tired from doing nothing and yet makes sleep even harder to find when night time comes. It's something that makes you sick but you just can't quit. Well, that's what it feels like to me.

Have I reached the event horizon? I hope not. I can only wish that this is just a tangle of space that I've been caught into and that I can somehow find a way to escape it. If only I can find the will to do so. Someone please infect me with a little zest in life. Anyone? To those who will give a damn, bless your hearts and thanks in advance.

TO LOVE AND BE LOVED

Photo by Lissy Elle

List all the things you want to achieve in life. It can be anything. No matter how crazy it is just write it down.
This is stupid. The ever so pessimistic side of me told myself.
Take your time. Don't rush. Let your inner self guide you. Feel it inside. The one that touches your heart and soul the most is your real purpose. The rest would just be goals.
Alright. Let's give this a try. I have nothing to lose anyway. I took a pen and paper and started scribbling.

1. I want to talk.
2. I want to share.
3. I want to listen.
4. I want to touch people's lives.
5. I want to laugh.
6. I want to be remembered.
7. I want to be good.
8. I want to be great.
9. I want to love and be loved.
10. I want to be successful.
11. I want to be happy.
12. I want a house.
13. I want a car.
14. I want to travel the world.
15. I want to read.
16. I want to study.
17. I want to explore.
18. I want to swim.
19. I want to climb a mountain.
20. I want a family.

I don't know but for some strange reason, I can't hold back my tears at #9.

NO MORE RUNNING AWAY

“When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind.” -Seneca

Imaginary Worlds by Lissy Elle

"What do you really want in your life?"
I replied, "Uh...I don't know."
Bad answer. I can see the look on her face as if saying, "What a poor thing."
"You have to know what you want to achieve in your life. Even if you don't know yet, you have to take advantage of every opportunity that comes to you. Curve balls will always be thrown at you along the way and you just can't quit every time this happens..." 
Her words hit me like a splash of cold water and the last six are what hit home.
"Besides, you're not getting any younger."

They say everyone gets to a point in their life where one questions their purpose. Some call it "the mid-life crisis" and I am no virgin to this. What's my purpose in life? Why do I exist? These are the biggest questions we throw ourselves at one point or another. I've been desperately looking for answers while trying to make sense out of everything that happens in between. But I am so jaded in life, my purpose has long been just to take whatever life throws at me every day and ultimately wait for my death. I didn't have a "purpose". I am contented  in living within my bubble filled with mediocracy surrounded by negativity, complaints and dissatisfaction. Well, I was, until now.

I've longed search for happiness but to no avail. I always end up asking (and singing to) myself:

Do you know where you're going to? 

Do you like the things that life's been throwing you? Where are you going to? Do you know? 

That's so corny. I know. Sorry. I'll stop now. 

My answer to those questions have always been no. Why? It's just today that it dawn on me the very reason why. I just realized that the things I thought I want are not really what I wanted and it's mainly because I've been gauging my happiness based on other people's standards. I've been living out other people's purpose instead of mine. 

I want to stop living aimlessly without a purpose. I want to step out of the shadows. I want to change. I want to exist. I want to live.

I'll be turning 24 this year and as much as I hate to admit it, yes, I am not getting any younger. And so are you. It's time to make our move.

*The conversation above is what transpired yesterday between me and my manager when I gave my resignation letter.

GOD WANTS YOU TO KNOW

You keep wanting to know how things will play out, keep asking to see the future. God doesn't give anyone the power to know the future, because life becomes maddeningly boring when you know everything upfront. So, instead of struggling, enjoy the uncertainty - to be alive means to not know. 

Christian Vengeance by Lissy Elle


Angry God? That's because I've always been such a stubborn and control-freak child.
Okay. I'm listening (actively not passively) now . 
This time, I'll just shut up and ride (yes, not drive).

Get into the car 
We'll be the passenger
We'll see the stars that shine so bright
And everything was made for you and me 
All of it was made for you and me 
La la la la lalalala...

LIFE IS NOT UNFAIR

“Artists use lies to tell the truth. Yes, I created a lie. But because you believed it, you found something true about yourself.” ― Alan Moore, V for Vendetta

Digging My Own Grave by Lissy Elle

Life is not unfair. It is TOO UNFAIR. Why does someone who's been good all his/her life gets cancer while a bad guy who does nothing but trouble stays healthy? Why do people get bulimic/anorexic while others are dying everyday from starvation? Why do people live and some die? How can we afford to buy expensive clothes and the latest gadgets while others don't even have a penny to buy food? I'm so full of Hows and Whys. I feel so bad because of the lack of fairness and equality in this life.


"Just think of the good things in your life and how lucky you are to have a better life than others. Then you'll start to feel good again."


How? 
Tell me, do you feel better if you know that someone is in a worse condition than you are in? 
Because I don't. 
I can't.


I could no longer enjoy eating because I know that somewhere a lot of people are starving; I can't focus on studying because I feel guilty by the thought that a lot of kids who are more willing and deserving can't go to school because of poverty; I can't sleep well at night because I know somewhere there's a homeless kid who sleeps in a cold street; I'm afraid to fall in love because I know I could hurt someone who's been dreaming and wishing for that person; I can't laugh at a joke and enjoy things whole-heartedly when I know that somewhere someone is grieving from a loss and suffering from a disease.


If I haven't learned that the world is round, I would have thought that it is a triangle or a pyramid. Only a few gets on the top and weren't able to get there without stepping on someone. We can never be happy without making someone unhappy. We can't love without suffering. Someone always needs to be at the bottom.


I'm often asked why I wanted so much to die. My answer is simple: I saw the joke that is this life. But I have no choice but to continue ignoring it. I have to force myself everyday to be part of that joke. For as long as I am in this life, I have to do that in order to survive.  And don't dare tell me that I'm just not "living" my life to the fullest. I am definitely not inclined to "living" for all we need to do is just selfishly exist and selfishly fight for survival. That's why I wanted so much to escape this life. I want to save myself while there's still something left to save in me. But I can't just do that. I can't just save myself alone for I feel obliged to grab as many as I can.


No matter what bull shits religion, psychologists, counselors, media, etc.  tries to feed us, they can't forever hide the fact that life fuckin' sucks.This life is full of selfishness and I hate it. I hate it even more because I  feel like my hands are tied. I just pretend to be brave but in reality I am scared. I'm so scared because I have seen the true face of life. So scared that sometimes I wish (and pretend) I haven't seen it yet.


It is not true that the light of truth is blinding for we are all born blinds. We are just taught how to get by as we got older. We're all just grasping blindly at anything: politics, religion, music, arts, food, everything which will fall apart eventually. It's just nice to know that we have a choice of what to grab.


Faith? Faith in itself involves blindness, because it requires you to continue walking through life by trusting that some mythical force is guiding you. Truth? Truth hurts and scares us that many prefers to deny it. Life, Reality, Faith, Happiness. They're all the same. Just ideas that only exist on our minds therefore they are all intangible. Everything is random. Has no pattern whatsoever save for what we imagine. No meaning except for what we choose to impose.


Who am I to say these things? I am nobody. Yes, I know nothing. But think about it, after all we are not too different from each other, are we? We all just play our roles without knowing where will the show end and when will the curtains be drawn. As per Dr. Manhattan: "We are all puppets. I'm just a puppet who can see the  strings."

P.S. If this post made you feel bad, I'm sorry. If you want (if you haven't yet) you can see the movie "Watchmen" and "V for Vendetta". They're two of my favorite movies. It can help you understand a lot of things I'm talking about (or get you in a worse mood than you had after reading this). It's your call. ;)

AN ATHEIST STARTS TO PRAY

“The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.” -- Liz Gilbert

EAT. I don't really fear my own death but the mere thought of the possible death of a loved one scares me like hell. After going through her recent post I couldn't believe what I just read. No, I don't want to believe it. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to force myself to wake up from this nightmare. When I opened my eyes I realized that this is not a dream. I couldn't stop the tears anymore and before I knew the tears turned to a full blown hysteria with uncontrollable sobs and all (even my nose was crying). I don't know why I am being this emotional. I don't know her personally but I feel for her. I love her. The day I found her blog, I felt close to her immediately. She gave me something to look forward to everyday. She made me feel less alone. She made me feel alive. I wish I can help her but I know what she's going through now is beyond my control. I don't want to look back to this day and say: "I should have done something" either so even though it's hard for me  to throw my beliefs outside the window, I would. I'm going to eat my pride.

PRAY. For the first time in a long time, I started praying to God. I talked to him with all my heart, like real praying.

"Dear God, I don't know if you can hear me or if you would still want to listen to me after all I've done to you. I know you might not believe me but I am sorry. I really am. And I am not saying sorry just because I want to ask for something (maybe I am, a little). I want to ask not only for your forgiveness but for your help as well. I just found out that my dear Annika was diagnosed with cancer and there's nothing else I could do for her but to ask for your help. She needs you. We need you. I know I didn't ask for your help when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer too and I really regret that. I want to set things straight now. I am thankful for everything most especially for letting me meet a very wonderful and lovely creation of yours which is Annika. She helped me through a lot and even brought me back to you and for that I'll be forever grateful. Please heal her and give her more years here on earth so she may continue inspiring not only me but more people. I know you are a very loving and forgiving God and you will not do anything that is not for our own good. Please forgive me and give me the strength to believe in your will through your grace. And if it's not too much to ask, please don't take her with you yet. Amen."


LOVE. In the end, only love remains.

A BONER FOR YOU

I seriously am having a boner for Lissy Elle's photography. I am so glad to stumble upon her on Elle's tumblr! Also, she have such AHHMAZIING photoshopping skills! Gaaaah!!! I can't get enough of her! I just thought I should share this fascination because if I don't I think I'd go  crazy (as if I could get any crazier than I already am). Okay, I need to go back to DL-ing her photos (ssshhh! let's keep that our secret, okay? pinky swear?) to my "secret/boner/inspirations" folder. Hope you have a goodnight or good morning or whatever, I just wish you have a good one! 'Cos I'm definitely having one *wink-wink* :)

**all photos are from Lissy Elle's flickr