I CAN

I often get questions on what it is like to be manic(whether hypo or hyper). Well, I can't really explain it. The experience of mania completely varies from each individual so it's quite hard to make a general description of it. But if you insist on having a little glimpse of what it's like to be in that state, I would suggest you watch the movie Limitless.

And today, I feel like I just took one of those clear pills. A sudden thought came to my mind. I finally have an idea of what I want to be: a flight attendant. I've never been this hungry for something for a long time. I can already imagine myself living that life. Me travelling around the world, serving and meeting people, sharing a smile. The thought is so sweet I can almost taste it.

That sounds crazy I know but I've finally grown tired of hearing people (when I say people, that includes me) say: you can't be like this, you can't be like that; You won't do this, you can't do that. Why not? I'm sick of can'ts. I don't want to believe that lie anymore. I can be whatever I want to be and no one has the right to say I can't because I can. I know I can. I can make things happen by giving it all that I have. I'm gonna do it for myself... especially for those who says I can't. And I'm gonna start today, not tomorrow but today :)

FOX RAIN

I still don't understand love

So I cannot get any closer

But why does my foolish heart

keep pounding?

I'm haunted by you again and again

I just can't get away

This hopeless love

hurts my heart so much

Going from day to night

you're all I think about

Being so pitiful and silly

what should I do?

Heart follows love

what am i going to do?

this hopeless love 

hurts my heart so much

The day when my pain fades away

will that day ever come?

being so pitiful and silly

what can I do after all

The moonlight is beautiful

I just can't get away

let me lie down by your side for a moment

a moment, just a moment

The weather here has gone pretty much like me these past  few days; manic.


Mornings were so hot that I always wake up all sweaty, uneasy, and feeling so close to dying from heat stroke. Then in the afternoon it will just rain all of a sudden. It's just so weird that I'm starting to wonder if foxes suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) too, hence the frequent fox rains.


I was really thankful that another fox rain (or sunshower) gave a brief relief from the heat early this afternoon. Feeling exhausted, I immediately fell asleep and dreamt of you...again. 


I know I should have already let go of you by now and shouldn't be dreaming of you anymore. You've already found your happiness so I should move on and be happy too. But I just can't. 


I've always thought that I'm the most logical person and I'm most of the time, if not always, right. I thought I would be happy and that I could make it without you but I was wrong. 
I guess it's really true that you'll never know what you got till it's gone. 


I think I'm going insane and the only cure seems to be someone. 


Someone who checks on how am I doing whenever I feel like nobody cares. 
Someone who understands whenever I feel like nobody gets how I feel.
Someone who makes me smile whenever I feel there's no reason to be happy.
Someone who calms me down whenever I feel anxious about everything.
Someone who can prove me wrong.


Unfortunately the only person who has ever done that is you. I need you to be that someone. I want you to be my someone.


But I very well know there's no sense in wishing for something impossible to come true. I must accept the fact that it's already impossible for you to be my someone. 


You might say: "Nothing is impossible...blah-blah-blah..." 
If nothing is indeed impossible, then we are nothing. 


Still, I can't help wishing for the impossible even though I am nothing. What on earth should I do? I might as well wish to be a fox in my next life, till then you'll know how much I miss you each time a sun shower falls.