WEDNESDAYS

"Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live"-- Morrie Schwartz

from Lissy Elle's photostream on Flickr

My sister is already on her last semester in college and we just found out that she had lost her scholarship. We were discussing about the possible solutions earlier but we just ended up arguing on who's at fault. Then it came to a point where I felt like my Mom was blaming me for being useless by not having a job. She might have not told me exactly but I know (and felt) what she meant entirely. I just pretended that I was not affected but when I went to bed, I started crying like hell. 


I love them so much but I hate them for not being able to understand. No, I hate myself more for not loving them enough. Maybe if I love them enough, I could help them. All I have to do is get a job, earn money, help my family, help myself then everyone would live happily ever after. I hope everything is just that easy. How I wish I can just bounce back to normal again, but I can't. I've tried hard and God (if there really is a God who sees everything) knows how hard I did but I just can't.


I know it's not just my condition. It is something else rooted way deeply. I've been digging around for answers for quite some time now but I always end up digging at the wrong spot. But I very well know now the reason why I can't find the answers: it's because I am protecting them. 


I've tried to hide so many emotions I had in the past and so they grew inside me. I've protected these emotions so hard for so long that they've planted their roots so deeply that it's now impossible to pull them out. I used to be so strong to hold them in but they've taken everything I had; they are now stronger and wiser than me. They're now angry, hungry and won't stop haunting me. They're so eager to get loose and I'm no longer strong to fight them.  I have no choice but to get lost in this never ending chase.


I don't know what's right and what's real anymore (you're right-I got it from Lily Allen). I'm so numb. All I want to do is to feel again but the only escape I see is for me to leave this world. I want to cry, to shout and to scream for help but I'm alone. No one can  help me, not when I can't even help myself. Not until I stop being a wuss by protecting them under my false pretenses.


I'm so sick and tired of all these pretensions. I want to run and scream and tell everyone that I'm not everything they thought I was; I'm not different; I'm not strong, I'm not happy, I'm not careful, I'm not selfless, I'm not brave, I'm not wise. All I want to be is be anyone else but me: I want to be normal, I want to be weak, I want to be sad, I want to be careless, I want to be selfish, I want to be dumb, I want to be a coward, I want to feel, I want to live...for once. I want to die so I can learn how to live.

SOFT SHOCK

"I'm amazed how much the past can hurt us. Even though its unsubstantial and long over, it still hurts."  -Anonymous

from media.tumblr.com

So here I am, lying in my bed, wandering mindlessly over random sites on the net. I already checked on my accounts on various social networking sites but I can't find anything new and interesting. So I just decided to check on my blogger and hope on finding something "new and interesting" but -yep, you guessed it right- there's none. I figured maybe I should write things down. Why not? This is my blog anyway. I say, let's give it a go.

I'm finding it hard to sleep because I'm having this sick feeling in my stomach again. I hate this feeling of emptiness; this feeling inside me- growing and slowly eating me up- that I can't do anything about. It's like having the urge to vomit but there's nothing left in your stomach to purge out. I'm supposed to be asleep 4 hours ago but there's just too many things running in my head (plus I just drank a glass of soda after dinner. Hehe) so I might end up awake for the rest of the night once again. Nothing new there. Besides there's no reason for me to wake up early anyway for I don't have work or class to attend to unlike everyone else who'll be back to school/work tomorrow after the 4-day Halloween weekend. 

Though no longer a non-working holiday, tomorrow is still All Souls' Day. It's the time of the year when we commemorate the passing of our loved ones and pray for the eternal peace of their souls- in my case it's my Dad's and... mine.

My Dad played a big role on why there's so much hate and fear in my life. But in spite of all my loathing for him, as much as I hate to admit it, I still have love left for him in me because he is, still my father. And that love gave me hope that things will change and get better eventually. But all that vanished into thin air when he died. His death was such a huge blow for me. Though I seemed to be stoic on the outside, I felt that a huge part of me died along with him, inside.

His death left me thinking that no matter what you do to make things better, nothing will change and if it does, it won't matter. It left me asking: 

"What's the true meaning of life?"

"Why do I live if there's nothing I can do that will make me satisfied, contented, worthy and happy?"

" Nothing really matters; you're going to end up dead, alone and miserable no matter what you do, so why bother?"

And that people will only appreciate your worth and remember the good things you did once you're gone.

But I want to believe that his death wasn't all bad. It's just that there were so many mistakes he did that hurt us and eventually made good memories we have of him almost fade into oblivion. I vividly remember nearly all hateful things he did but only a few good ones.

Perhaps the fondest memory I have of him was when I was sexually assaulted during my first year in high school. After I told my Mom about it, I felt like she thought it wasn't that much of a big deal and that it was my fault that it happened to me. My Dad didn't say anything but instead he accompanied me to school the next day and a few days after. He literally held my hand all through out until I felt safe again.

 I miss holding his hand. I miss that feeling of safety. I'm afraid this emptiness inside of me will live on for the part of me that's missing is... him.