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| Digging My Own Grave by Lissy Elle |
Life is not unfair. It is TOO UNFAIR. Why does someone who's been good all his/her life gets cancer while a bad guy who does nothing but trouble stays healthy? Why do people get bulimic/anorexic while others are dying everyday from starvation? Why do people live and some die? How can we afford to buy expensive clothes and the latest gadgets while others don't even have a penny to buy food? I'm so full of Hows and Whys. I feel so bad because of the lack of fairness and equality in this life.
"Just think of the good things in your life and how lucky you are to have a better life than others. Then you'll start to feel good again."
How?
Tell me, do you feel better if you know that someone is in a worse condition than you are in?
Because I don't.
I can't.
I could no longer enjoy eating because I know that somewhere a lot of people are starving; I can't focus on studying because I feel guilty by the thought that a lot of kids who are more willing and deserving can't go to school because of poverty; I can't sleep well at night because I know somewhere there's a homeless kid who sleeps in a cold street; I'm afraid to fall in love because I know I could hurt someone who's been dreaming and wishing for that person; I can't laugh at a joke and enjoy things whole-heartedly when I know that somewhere someone is grieving from a loss and suffering from a disease.
If I haven't learned that the world is round, I would have thought that it is a triangle or a pyramid. Only a few gets on the top and weren't able to get there without stepping on someone. We can never be happy without making someone unhappy. We can't love without suffering. Someone always needs to be at the bottom.
I'm often asked why I wanted so much to die. My answer is simple: I saw the joke that is this life. But I have no choice but to continue ignoring it. I have to force myself everyday to be part of that joke. For as long as I am in this life, I have to do that in order to survive. And don't dare tell me that I'm just not "living" my life to the fullest. I am definitely not inclined to "living" for all we need to do is just selfishly exist and selfishly fight for survival. That's why I wanted so much to escape this life. I want to save myself while there's still something left to save in me. But I can't just do that. I can't just save myself alone for I feel obliged to grab as many as I can.
No matter what bull shits religion, psychologists, counselors, media, etc. tries to feed us, they can't forever hide the fact that life fuckin' sucks.This life is full of selfishness and I hate it. I hate it even more because I feel like my hands are tied. I just pretend to be brave but in reality I am scared. I'm so scared because I have seen the true face of life. So scared that sometimes I wish (and pretend) I haven't seen it yet.
It is not true that the light of truth is blinding for we are all born blinds. We are just taught how to get by as we got older. We're all just grasping blindly at anything: politics, religion, music, arts, food, everything which will fall apart eventually. It's just nice to know that we have a choice of what to grab.
Faith? Faith in itself involves blindness, because it requires you to continue walking through life by trusting that some mythical force is guiding you. Truth? Truth hurts and scares us that many prefers to deny it. Life, Reality, Faith, Happiness. They're all the same. Just ideas that only exist on our minds therefore they are all intangible. Everything is random. Has no pattern whatsoever save for what we imagine. No meaning except for what we choose to impose.
Who am I to say these things? I am nobody. Yes, I know nothing. But think about it, after all we are not too different from each other, are we? We all just play our roles without knowing where will the show end and when will the curtains be drawn. As per Dr. Manhattan: "We are all puppets. I'm just a puppet who can see the strings."
P.S. If this post made you feel bad, I'm sorry. If you want (if you haven't yet) you can see the movie "Watchmen" and "V for Vendetta". They're two of my favorite movies. It can help you understand a lot of things I'm talking about (or get you in a worse mood than you had after reading this). It's your call. ;)
