“The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.” -- Liz Gilbert
EAT. I don't really fear my own death but the mere thought of the possible death of a loved one scares me like hell. After going through her recent post I couldn't believe what I just read. No, I don't want to believe it. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to force myself to wake up from this nightmare. When I opened my eyes I realized that this is not a dream. I couldn't stop the tears anymore and before I knew the tears turned to a full blown hysteria with uncontrollable sobs and all (even my nose was crying). I don't know why I am being this emotional. I don't know her personally but I feel for her. I love her. The day I found her blog, I felt close to her immediately. She gave me something to look forward to everyday. She made me feel less alone. She made me feel alive. I wish I can help her but I know what she's going through now is beyond my control. I don't want to look back to this day and say: "I should have done something" either so even though it's hard for me to throw my beliefs outside the window, I would. I'm going to eat my pride.
PRAY. For the first time in a long time, I started praying to God. I talked to him with all my heart, like real praying.
"Dear God, I don't know if you can hear me or if you would still want to listen to me after all I've done to you. I know you might not believe me but I am sorry. I really am. And I am not saying sorry just because I want to ask for something (maybe I am, a little). I want to ask not only for your forgiveness but for your help as well. I just found out that my dear Annika was diagnosed with cancer and there's nothing else I could do for her but to ask for your help. She needs you. We need you. I know I didn't ask for your help when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer too and I really regret that. I want to set things straight now. I am thankful for everything most especially for letting me meet a very wonderful and lovely creation of yours which is Annika. She helped me through a lot and even brought me back to you and for that I'll be forever grateful. Please heal her and give her more years here on earth so she may continue inspiring not only me but more people. I know you are a very loving and forgiving God and you will not do anything that is not for our own good. Please forgive me and give me the strength to believe in your will through your grace. And if it's not too much to ask, please don't take her with you yet. Amen."
LOVE. In the end, only love remains.
