WEDNESDAYS

"Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live"-- Morrie Schwartz

from Lissy Elle's photostream on Flickr

My sister is already on her last semester in college and we just found out that she had lost her scholarship. We were discussing about the possible solutions earlier but we just ended up arguing on who's at fault. Then it came to a point where I felt like my Mom was blaming me for being useless by not having a job. She might have not told me exactly but I know (and felt) what she meant entirely. I just pretended that I was not affected but when I went to bed, I started crying like hell. 


I love them so much but I hate them for not being able to understand. No, I hate myself more for not loving them enough. Maybe if I love them enough, I could help them. All I have to do is get a job, earn money, help my family, help myself then everyone would live happily ever after. I hope everything is just that easy. How I wish I can just bounce back to normal again, but I can't. I've tried hard and God (if there really is a God who sees everything) knows how hard I did but I just can't.


I know it's not just my condition. It is something else rooted way deeply. I've been digging around for answers for quite some time now but I always end up digging at the wrong spot. But I very well know now the reason why I can't find the answers: it's because I am protecting them. 


I've tried to hide so many emotions I had in the past and so they grew inside me. I've protected these emotions so hard for so long that they've planted their roots so deeply that it's now impossible to pull them out. I used to be so strong to hold them in but they've taken everything I had; they are now stronger and wiser than me. They're now angry, hungry and won't stop haunting me. They're so eager to get loose and I'm no longer strong to fight them.  I have no choice but to get lost in this never ending chase.


I don't know what's right and what's real anymore (you're right-I got it from Lily Allen). I'm so numb. All I want to do is to feel again but the only escape I see is for me to leave this world. I want to cry, to shout and to scream for help but I'm alone. No one can  help me, not when I can't even help myself. Not until I stop being a wuss by protecting them under my false pretenses.


I'm so sick and tired of all these pretensions. I want to run and scream and tell everyone that I'm not everything they thought I was; I'm not different; I'm not strong, I'm not happy, I'm not careful, I'm not selfless, I'm not brave, I'm not wise. All I want to be is be anyone else but me: I want to be normal, I want to be weak, I want to be sad, I want to be careless, I want to be selfish, I want to be dumb, I want to be a coward, I want to feel, I want to live...for once. I want to die so I can learn how to live.