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| Digging My Own Grave by Lissy Elle |
Life is not unfair. It is TOO UNFAIR. Why does someone who's been good all his/her life gets cancer while a bad guy who does nothing but trouble stays healthy? Why do people get bulimic/anorexic while others are dying everyday from starvation? Why do people live and some die? How can we afford to buy expensive clothes and the latest gadgets while others don't even have a penny to buy food? I'm so full of Hows and Whys. I feel so bad because of the lack of fairness and equality in this life.
"Just think of the good things in your life and how lucky you are to have a better life than others. Then you'll start to feel good again."
How?
Tell me, do you feel better if you know that someone is in a worse condition than you are in?
Because I don't.
I can't.
I could no longer enjoy eating because I know that somewhere a lot of people are starving; I can't focus on studying because I feel guilty by the thought that a lot of kids who are more willing and deserving can't go to school because of poverty; I can't sleep well at night because I know somewhere there's a homeless kid who sleeps in a cold street; I'm afraid to fall in love because I know I could hurt someone who's been dreaming and wishing for that person; I can't laugh at a joke and enjoy things whole-heartedly when I know that somewhere someone is grieving from a loss and suffering from a disease.
If I haven't learned that the world is round, I would have thought that it is a triangle or a pyramid. Only a few gets on the top and weren't able to get there without stepping on someone. We can never be happy without making someone unhappy. We can't love without suffering. Someone always needs to be at the bottom.
I'm often asked why I wanted so much to die. My answer is simple: I saw the joke that is this life. But I have no choice but to continue ignoring it. I have to force myself everyday to be part of that joke. For as long as I am in this life, I have to do that in order to survive. And don't dare tell me that I'm just not "living" my life to the fullest. I am definitely not inclined to "living" for all we need to do is just selfishly exist and selfishly fight for survival. That's why I wanted so much to escape this life. I want to save myself while there's still something left to save in me. But I can't just do that. I can't just save myself alone for I feel obliged to grab as many as I can.
No matter what bull shits religion, psychologists, counselors, media, etc. tries to feed us, they can't forever hide the fact that life fuckin' sucks.This life is full of selfishness and I hate it. I hate it even more because I feel like my hands are tied. I just pretend to be brave but in reality I am scared. I'm so scared because I have seen the true face of life. So scared that sometimes I wish (and pretend) I haven't seen it yet.
It is not true that the light of truth is blinding for we are all born blinds. We are just taught how to get by as we got older. We're all just grasping blindly at anything: politics, religion, music, arts, food, everything which will fall apart eventually. It's just nice to know that we have a choice of what to grab.
Faith? Faith in itself involves blindness, because it requires you to continue walking through life by trusting that some mythical force is guiding you. Truth? Truth hurts and scares us that many prefers to deny it. Life, Reality, Faith, Happiness. They're all the same. Just ideas that only exist on our minds therefore they are all intangible. Everything is random. Has no pattern whatsoever save for what we imagine. No meaning except for what we choose to impose.
Who am I to say these things? I am nobody. Yes, I know nothing. But think about it, after all we are not too different from each other, are we? We all just play our roles without knowing where will the show end and when will the curtains be drawn. As per Dr. Manhattan: "We are all puppets. I'm just a puppet who can see the strings."
P.S. If this post made you feel bad, I'm sorry. If you want (if you haven't yet) you can see the movie "Watchmen" and "V for Vendetta". They're two of my favorite movies. It can help you understand a lot of things I'm talking about (or get you in a worse mood than you had after reading this). It's your call. ;)
To receive, there must always be a giver. For every winner, there is losers. For one to be happy, many must suffer.
ReplyDeleteThat's the way life is. You can't help it - you can't change it. What you have to do is make the most of what you DO have, rather than think about the things you don't have, or the things other people don't have.
Just because everything is random doesn't mean that things won't work out. Faith is blindness, but sometimes, it's all we have.
I'm sorry that you feel like life is a joke, and whilst I agree with you that life is unfair (really, pretty much everything is), I don't really agree with some of the other things you've said, like life being full of selfishness. Sure, it might seem like things don't really have a 'meaning' but what is meaning anyway? It is just our perception of the things around us, and just because ideas aren't tangible or touchable doesn't mean they aren't real. You could go around in circles about what 'real' even means.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that I have felt all the things you have said here at some point in my life, that everything is rather pointless, superficial and constructed by society but above all, it is YOUR own decision to make of it what you will.
Faith doesn't have to involve blindness, faith for me doesn't involve believing in god, or destiny or some higher, guiding power but a belief in myself, and where I want to go. For me, 'making the most' of life is going somewhere (figuratively) where I can help address the inequalities. Sure, it may seem pointless as the whole world is rife with inequalities but my viewpoint is that I have only one life and I will make the most of it. On a tangent, what is the 'bottom' and 'top' anyway? Aren't these two extremes determined by society? Who is to say that someone who has less money, lives on a farm in a rural area and barely gets by is at the 'bottom'?
We might all be insignificant pieces of dust in the scheme of things, but really how and where you want to go, and how you make meaning out of this life is entirely up to you. To deny that there are good forces, that happiness, love and charity are pointless and not worth it because of their opposing forces I suppose just traces back to your mindset that 'we might as well all die because life is pointless anyway'. And that's fair enough. But I personally hardly see that way of thinking as being constructive. Again, that's personal opinion but I hope that you find some worthwhile experiences in your life which might balance out your pessimistic views?
P.S I loved V for Vendetta, it was a brilliant movie.
WEMAKEPLANS
Watchmen and V for Vendetta are two of my favourite movies, and i love the graphic novels! Alan Moore is a true genius and he gets it! The Comedian and Rorscach are my fave characters in Watchmen, it is true, they see the world the way it is.
ReplyDeletei know it is lame, but i try not to spend a lot of time thinking about the terrible things in the world. i know maybe i should be trying to think of more ways to do something, but mostly i just get depressed and really upset over it. i know exactly how you feel about it. i try to hope that one day my writing will help people escape or to see that they are not alone.
i honestly think if you have any idea of what is going on in the world these days, you are going to get depressed a lot. For me, reading and writing are escapes, and when i have happy moments.
i have had hard times and love is the only thing that got me through. I do think focusing on the good bits of your life can help, but not thinking you are luckier than others, just trying to enjoy what you do have.
my parents never seemed to accept me for who i was, tried to break me and my boyfriend up, but we got through, moved out. then later i had terrible bosses who made me really depressed with their inhumanity and i got really sick for a while, but i got through. i couldnt find a reason why i had to go thru all this, but i guess the important thing was i got thru. no, it doesn't make sense, but you are not alone.
yeah that was just a kind of stream of conciousness comment so not sure if it made any sense. :)
ReplyDeletehttp://galadarling.com/article/how-can-i-be-happy-when-the-world-is-such-a-horrible-place
ReplyDeletejust saw this article. may be helpful or just annoying to u or whatever.