"In that final look, does the deer forgive the wolf?"
Me and my sister were watching PBB the other day and somebody said that he experienced a lot of bullying all his life and it made him the tough person he is today . I immediately said: "There's nothing special about that. That's normal. Everybody got bullied even just once in their life." My sister then said: "Really? I can never imagine you as the one being bullied. You've always been the bully." I just kept my silence and directed my eyes on the screen in my attempt to get my mind back on the show but instead it took me back to my own nightmares of bullying.
I may appear to be a strong and lone wolf now but believe me, I know what it feels like to be the lamb (or deer-or better yet the prey). A big part of who I am today rooted from my experience of being bullied as a kid.
I can't really remember everything exactly. Maybe it was so traumatic and shameful that my brain decided to do me a favor by erasing those memories but it was considerate enough to leave me blurry ones just in case I might need them again someday (that sounds like a song, eh? Music & Lyrics! Haha! I seriously find it hard to be serious. Okay, let's get back to serious mode) This might make you doubt my story but I must tell you, I am telling the truth and nothing but the truth (no, it's not "so help me God") because I still get the same feeling-fear,disgust,shame,the works- whenever I try to think about those memories, much more when I talk (or should I say write?) about it.
What I remember was when it all started. I was in kindergarten at a prestige catholic school and this "rich-kid" girl classmate of mine was the culprit. I don't know what I did to piss her off but she did piss on me. Maybe it was because I am not a "rich-kid" like her; I didn't have the coolest school things (like the Hello Kitty stuff she had), I always had "baon"(pack lunch or snack) because I didn't always have school money to buy food at the canteen, I wore hand-me down uniforms, I was not nice and tidy at all times because my Mom was too busy working to pay our tuition fees plus I didn't have a "yaya", etc. The list might go on forever but I seriously didn't have a clue what I did to deserve such hate and isolation. I remember being on the playground alone; on the swing with nobody to push me, always on the bottom of the teeter board with hopes, but no chance, to be on top. The bullying became worse that I started writing down "No classes tomorrow" in my assignment notebook just to make an excuse not to go to school (What? Kinder pa lang ako ayoko na agad pumasok?!lol). My Mom was furious when she found out that I was lying but I didn't dare tell her what I was going through for I know that she have much bigger problems than mine. So I just taught myself to endure everything in the hope that one day it'll all be over.
After pre-school, we moved to another place and I was transferred to a new school. I was so happy and excited to have a new life in elementary school with high hopes that I could finally be freed from bullies. But I was wrong; it was the same nightmare I thought I've escaped from, only in a different place with different people. I started asking myself: "What's so wrong with me to deserve all these things?" Then I thought maybe I was not the problem; maybe it was the school that I'm in. But transferring won't solve the problem anymore because I felt like I've had enough of private catholic school shits. Homeschooling wasn't an option either (I'm not a "rich-kid" remember?) So I've tried to come up with a better solution.
After 4 years, I finally convinced my Mom to transfer me to a public school. I learned to be a loner ever since. I preferred to do things alone and tried everything to be under the radar. And in high school, I decided to raise the changes I've made in me up a notch. I wanted to be strong, independent, and able to be so tough that no one will ever think about messing with me. I became successful and felt like everything has finally fallen in their rightful places. I was bully-free atlast!
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| Yeah, baby! (insert Hallelujah song here) |
Little did I know that the reason why I was finally free from bullying was because I became a bully myself. Though I have never hurt anyone physically, I know that I did a lot of things that hurt many emotionally. I became too engrossed on feeling good about myself without taking regard of other people's feelings.
I felt bad and sorry not only for those I've hurt but for myself as well. I don't really want to regret everything I've been through for it made me who I am today but if there's one thing I wish I should have done, it is to speak up. From all those things, I've learned that to ask for help was never a sign of weakness but rather of strength.
If you've been/you are the deer, try to forgive and understand the wolf. But remember that it's never alright to keep quiet and just let somebody treat you like a doormat. You should stand up and tell the bully to stop. If he/she does not listen to you or if you're too scared to speak up, you can always tell someone your problem and ask for their help. Speaking up against a bully sure takes a lot of courage but it's something that needs to be done. For if you don't speak up now your problem won't be solved no matter how much you wish for it to just magically disappear. Even the slightest sign of bullying should not be ignored and needs to be addressed immediately. Because if you'll just choose to endure everything the bully will think that it's just okay for you to be his/her toy. And if worse come to worse, one day you'll just realize that you've already turned into the problem as well; then the cycle of bullying will just keep on turning.
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| You're not going anywhere-no matter how long, fast and hard you run. |
And if you think or feel like you've become the wolf (like me or you might know someone who might be), it's never too late to forgive yourself and stop being one. And if you are neither the wolf nor a deer- then you must be an alien. Haha! JK- that doesn't mean you need not do anything. You too, should speak up. If you suspect that someone you know is suffering/has suffered from bullying or is/was a bully, be a friend and offer your help even if they're not asking for it.
To succeed in making the wheels (of bullying) turn does not make one a strong person. The real strong person is the one who takes the courage to make it stop. Just keep in mind that the Golden Rule does not exist for no reason and that we have the power to make a choice- I've made mine, isn't it about time to make yours?
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| because karma is a bitch. |
**All photos are from Google Images.
